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Hello Possums

Reported sightings of U.F.O’s are on the increase with some very convincing eye witness accounts and photographic evidence. Personally I believe these chaps should steer well clear of planet Earth. If indeed they do have the capability to cover infinite distances in space, they are most likely far more intelligent than the human race and would not wish to get embroiled in the progressive destruction of our planet, ongoing territorial and religious conflicts, genocide, famine, drought, disease over fishing, gradual destruction of natural habitats of wild animals, decimation of vital rain forests, unsustainable populations, and … the list goes on. We are not alone, or are we?

On a lighter note, Prince Charles is seeking a versatile gardener for his Highgrove estate. The successful applicant will be required to work a forty hour week with extra duties at weekend on a rota basis, to include topiary, hedge, shrub and lawn maintenance, emptying ash trays, weed control and reading bed time stories to One’s plants. There is a competitive salary with all the benefits that one would expect as a royal employee, but in keeping with the Princes’ frugal existence the hourly luncheon break will be unpaid.

Her Majesty the Queen attended her great grandson’s first birthday celebrations at a M’c Donald’s ‘restaurant’ last week. The wee laddie, third in line to the throne, is taking his first steps. He is expected to receive a wooden train set from his parents, but delivery is expected to be delayed due to industrial action.

A shadow was cast over the annual snail racing championships in Congham, Norfolk, as Slimy Sid the favourite tested positive for a banned substance and was subsequently disqualified. However after two false starts they were off, the winner will be announced in December as the winners reach the finishing line.

A close up of a totally bored and frustrated Prince Edward at the Commonwealth Games depicted a man who is seeing the throne slide further and further from his grasp, and even his child batting him on the head with a program failed to raise his spirits. Bad form for an ex Royal Marine.

Richard J’s new painting and decorating venture is up and running after securing a lucrative contract with Mrs J. With the aid of a grant from ‘The Licensed Victuallers’ he has purchased two brushes, overalls, a ladder and some white spirit (which incidentally he said tastes awful). Freee quotations on request.

An opportunity has arisen for the post of Middle East peace envoy; would suit ex prime minister, duties involve maintaining the present peaceful situation in this usually volatile area. Previous applicants need not apply.

The mystery of the electronic voice at self service supermarket checkouts has been solved. An ex Eastender’s actress is responsible for the robotic “Unexpected item in bagging area, approval needed, have you swiped your nectar card?” etc, etc, in more than ten thousand outlets. However if you do live in the East End of London you will hear “Special offers on pigs ear and hot and frisky, ave you arf inched your nectar card, tea leaves will be prosecuted, our prices wont leave you boracic lint or Ank Marvin. Appy shopping me old china plates.

Bye for now,Paul B.