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Hello Possums,

Well I must tell you, all hell broke loose at Weedkiller’s headquarters recently, when our head canteen cook, Mavis Crow, learnt that her application to be included in the last 15,975 hopefuls for a place in ‘The Great British Bake Off’had been rejected. Apparently Mavis’s Spam and Stilton Quiche and her Coconut Crumble failed to impress the judges. The air was blue, as Mavis threw an almighty tantrum; pots and pans flying everywhere. ”It’s a bloody fix” she screamed, stubbing her fag out on her treasured signed photo of Paul Hollywood, ”They’re all pals of Mary Berry. It’s a flaming conspiracy.” It took two Newcastle Browns and a good swig of cooking sherry to calm her down. What a kerfuffle.

Hurry! Hurry! It’s the last few days of Parwich Blog’s furniture sale. We wont be beaten on price: buy now, pay nothing for ten years, then fifty year’s interest free credit; guaranteed Christmas delivery.

A French hospice is to open a wine bar for terminally ill patients at the Clermont Ferrand Hospital in Central France. The bar will stock a wide range of spirits, wine and champagne. A spokesman did say that the consumption of alcohol by patients will be carefully monitored to avoid the risk of long term alcohol dependency issues.

A Swedish woman was aghast to discover the skulls and bones of eighty people stored in IKEA bags in the basement of her local church. Apparently the remains were exhumed to allow building repairs to take place and had lain forgotten for some considerable time. A spokesman for IKEA has promised to forward instructions for self assembly of the skeletons which will be re-interred in flat pack coffins.

Rolf Harris is to ask for leave to appeal against his sentence; and he is not the only one that thought it was too lenient.

The issue of air rage rose its ugly head recently, when a woman passenger, on a flight from Tunisia to Edinburgh, launched into an alcohol fueled tirade, threw food around the aircraft and finally unscrewing her prosthetic leg; she launched it at cabin crew. The flight was diverted to Gatwick where the woman was arrested. After receiving a caution the woman was told to hop it.

50,000 honey bees have taken up residence in three hives, installed by conservationists on the perimeter of Gatwick airport. Their luggage is expected to arrive in two or three days if at all.

Weedkiller’s Raving Reporter witnessed the recent altercation between Orlando Bloom and Justin Bieber, in an upmarket restaurant in Ibiza. The incident was due to a personal remark by Bieber, which prompted Orlando to swing a punch at the pocket money pop idol. Our man in Ibiza said that it was a pretty poor effort by Bloom, considering that he had dispatched countless blood thirsty slobbering Orks in The Lord of the Rings, and he was expecting Bieber to get a good thrashing.

Forty three year old Gordon Hendricks, a barber from Stoke On Trent, has been crowned best Elvis impersonator at the Collingwood Elvis Festival in Canada. ”He’s definitely a cut above the rest” said the judges. Gordon later celebrated his win at a local fast food restaurant in true Elvis style with six cheeseburgers with jumbo fries a jumbo peanut butter sundae and six cokes.

Bye for now Paul B.