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Hello Possums,

Yesterday’s car boot sale at the Sycamore proved a great success, as bargain hunters converged from far and wide in search of that ever elusive overlooked treasure, but it was our very own Kathy who camped out over night in the pub car park that triumphed after some determined haggling securing a Dyson vacuum cleaner at the knock down price of ten pounds. “I’m a sucker for a good bargain” said Kathy, who also bought two cartons of long life grapefruit juice for 50p. Her husband, Rodger, snapped up a pull along toy horse with provenance linking it to Queen Victoria’s childhood, and a first edition of ‘The Watering Holes of old Derbyshire‘ and a battery charger. Parwich’s own Monty Don, Peter T, did a roaring trade with his surplus plants raising enough money for some new sandals. Of course there were the odd ‘Del Boys’ flogging dodgy gear, including a suspicious looking Irish chap selling left handed tea cups and pirated Brendan Shine CDs.

The biggest anti climax in the history of rock and roll: Elvis Presley’s ex-fiancée has finally broken her silence, after 37 years, to reveal the King’s last words, “I’m going to the bathroom to read”. This stunning revelation has ended years of speculation over this closely guarded Show Business secret.

A pair of café owners in Bristol have splashed out on a replica Time Lord’s Tardis, costing £1,800, and have converted it into ‘The Who Loo’, which now graces the waiting room café at Warneley on the old Bristol & Bath Railway. After a patron has flushed the loo, a loud robotic Dalek voice booms out ‘Fumigate, Fumigate’.

A Chinese alcohol distiller, facing stiff competition, has been arrested for adulterating his product, ‘Nutritional Health Drink‘, with the male performance improving stimulant Viagra. However his defense team are confident that the case for the prosecution is seriously flawed, and is unlikely to stand up in court.

The owner of the Damson Dene Hotel in the Lake District has replaced all copies of The Gideon Bible with the mummy-porn ‘Fifty Shades of Grey‘. He told Weedkiller’s Raving Reporter that the only noticeable effect was a huge increase in the demand for room service.

Rolf Harris is ingratiating himself with fellow inmates by buying them chocolates and fags, doing caricatures and whiling away the hours playing dominoes with them. They have nicknamed him ‘Willie Wonka’ of chocolate factory fame. Apparently their favourite Mars Bars are substantially reduced, as they are passed their cell by date.

Apparently the Italian Mafioso are exerting a huge influence in Edinburgh in their various fields of expertise. The local Guild of Fish & Chip Shop Operators have been approached regarding ‘Insurance’ for their premises. Local CID believe that this is an initiative of the Codfather. The director of ‘Toysaurus’, who refused to cooperate, awoke to discover the head of a rocking horse at the bottom of his bed.

President Obama has parried criticism of the amount of time that he spends on the golf course, saying “Good caddying jobs are hard to come by”.

The Duke of Edinburgh and his entourage made an unscheduled visit to a Little Chef cafe yesterday, apparently to allow him to stretch his legs. True to form however, he did say ”One was quite surprised, one expected all the staff to be dwarfs”.

Bye for now, Paul B.