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Hello Possums,

Well, the hot potato at the moment is of course the Scottish independence referendum. The rebels could well be putting the Buckfast Abbey tonic wine on ice soon, as old Alec Salmond nudges ahead. The no no’s have revealed their ace in the hole, as the formidable Gordon Broon is dusted off and wheeled out to join the fray. The implications of Scottish independence are far reaching and a Scottish republic could be next on the agenda, which could see the Queen relinquishing her time share at Holyrood House. Bonny Prince Charles is seeing his long awaited realm diminishing before his very eyes; his vision of being monarch of the glen fading fast. Even as we speak Gregg’s bakery are removing Scotch eggs from the shelves, Edinburgh Woolen Mill outlets have been looted and McDonalds ‘restaurants’ are being picketed. Weedkiller’s Raving Reporter, Jimmy Riddle, is still transmitting with his cat’s whiskers set from The Swinging Sporran in Glasgow, but fears he may have been rumbled.

Rumours are now echoing around the hills and valleys of a plot for Welsh independence being in the embryonic stage. Weedkiller’s intelligence agents have intercepted transmissions in Moss code from a location somewhere in Parwich to a spymaster in Colwyn Bay. This ‘femme fatale’ could rise up at any moment to lead the revolt. Her husband is suspected of photographing sensitive installations in and around the village and intelligence gathering. Stay vigilant comrades.

Yippee, it’s Royal Baby mania all over again. Pippa is furiously knitting baby gros. A spokesperson for North Norfolk Borough Council stated that there would be no favouritism and the Royal couple would have to take their chances on the waiting list for a council house along with everyone else. Kate’s mother has been accused of assuming royal airs; “Simply not true”, she said, before storming off with her corgis.

Sir Roger Moore has admitted taking Viagra in the past, but said the only thing that rose was his eyebrow.

Ding Dong! An American company has booked grade II listed Borey Castle in Dartmoor, for a five night orgy of naked pool antics, explicit sex shows and erotic golf competitions for swingers. 100 couples will fork out £4,850 for the pleasure. “Did someone mention golf?”, Prince Andrew has shown a keen interest in the event, and may consider Buckingham Palace as a suitable venue for any future parties.

Ecky Thump! Guess what? Robin Hood was actually a Yorkshire man, and did not live in Sherwood forest as legend would have it. Officials in Doncaster are determined to claim him as their own, after extensive research placed the outlaws haunts around the north Doncaster and Pontefract areas. This revelation could put the charitable activities of the people’s hero in serious doubt. Maid Marion was actually a serving wench at Betty’s Tea Rooms in Harrogate; Robin was not attired in Lincoln green but Grimesthorpe green; Little John certainly wasn’t little; Alan A’Dale was actually a transvestite called Elaine A’Dale; and Friar Tuck worked at the ‘Merry Monk’ chippy in Grimsby. It is widely believed that Robin died from hardening of the archeries, and rumour has it that he is buried underneath the car park of the Woolpack Inn at Emmerdale.

Great excitement recently, as the converted mobile fish and chip van, that now serves as Labour’s campaign battle bus, rolled up in Rulter Glen near Glasgow and disgorged the old demagogic bruiser himself Lord Prezza. A large gathering waited to witness at first hand his articulate delivery, his withering rapier like ripostes to silence persistent hecklers (or failing that a swift right hook to the chin) and also his renowned eloquent rhetoric. Banging his croquet mallet on the roof of the van to gain attention, he sneakily consulted the hastily scrawled note on the back of his hand to remind him which side he was supporting. Alas to the huge disappointment of the crowd, his Lordship spotted ‘The Wan Ton Temple’ Chinese restaurant across the street, offering an all you can eat for a fiver buffet. Before you could say “Dorneywood“, he had raced across the street, disappeared inside the restaurant and that was that. His Lordship was quoted as saying afterwards that the whole thing would have been a waste of time anyway, as his his proposed speech would have been impossible for the type of people that vote Labour to understand.

Pub landlord, Alan Bowdidge, who owns ‘The Ferrers Arms‘ pub in Sinfin, has received a ransom demand of £8,495,00 for the safe return of his kidnapped gnome. he has received a postcard from the gnome, who is also the pubs mascot, from Ireland. Alan has offered a free pint for his release, and is considering raising this to five pints, as he fears that the pub mascot will be suffering from acute ‘gnome sickness‘.

Adios Amigos, Paul B.