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Hello Possums,

Parwich film presents ‘Carry On In The Great British Bake Off Kitchen’. Starring the delectable Barbara Windsor as Mary Cherry, David Walliams as Paul Bollywood and the Krankies as Mel and Sue. Oooh, titter, titter matron. A hilarious cornucopia of double entendres, a plethora of soggy bottoms, lashings of tongue in cheek tittilations and a good old helping of risque innuendos, stiff peaks and buns in the oven. It is awful, but you’ll like it.

David Cameron was forced to make a humbling apology to Her Majesty The Queen, after he revealed her purring response to the outcome of the Scottish independence referendum. However they are now back on amicable terms and even shared a saucer of Duchy Original organic milk together.

Podey Pizza, a specialist food company in the US, have launched their latest creation: a cannabis infused pizza topping to give the customer a high, and at the same time satiate the associated post joint munchies. A specialist pot noodle is also in the pipeline.

A predatory bus driver who fathered 26 children with nine different woman is claiming to be Britain’s most prolific father with the taxpayer funding his Casanova lifestyle. He preyed on and seduced women passengers who thought he was just the ticket. He told Weedkiller’s Raving Reporter that some times he would wait ages for a conquest, then three would come along all at once.

Jasmine Tridevil, a 21 year old American woman, has surgically acquired a third breast with the intention of making herself less appealing to annoying amorous would be suitors. Unfortunately for her, this has backfired as a Texan man who was born with three hands is constantly bombarding her with texts requesting a date.

After trawling Weedkiller’s archives, we discovered this old diary entry made by a hobo riding The Santa Fe Express out west in 1850:

Dear diary, Woke up in a cold sweat this mornin havin me a nightmare bout ma ex wife, the train was slowin for some steers on the track. The door to my boxcar slid open, a voice shouted out

“Mind if’n ah join ya buddy, Charlie’s the name.”
“Hop right in friend, I’m Ed. Be my guest.”
He settled down as the loco picked up speed, another kindred soul on the road to nowhere. “You travelling light Ed?” he asked.
“Yup, just me and ma memories.”
“Ya lookin for work Ed?”
“Hell, no. Me and work ain’t never bin acquainted.”
“When dy’a last eat Ed?”
“Had me some beans and pone bread yesterday, ma belly’s as empty as a nun’s date book.”
“Got any dough Ed?”
“Nope, only things in ma pockets are damn holes.”
“Had a smoke lately Ed?”
“Smoked an ol stogey last night. I’m gaspin, reckon I’d smoke dried skunk poo given half the chance.”
“Had a drink lately Ed?”.
“Had me some rotgut couple days ago, my throat’s as dry as a beer coaster in a Temperance Hall.”
”Wuz ya ever married Ed?”
“Yep, long time ago, her name was Betty May Lou, the old bat had a face like a starvin vulture, meaner than a rabid Raccoon, she was so ugly the preacher man made her wear two veils”
“Why in hell’s name ya marry her then Ed?”
“You’d a married the old shrew, if’n you’d had a loaded twelve gauge stickin between yer shoulder blades. That mangy old coyote of a father of her’s couldn’t wait to offload her. He wuz one of them thar hillbilly’s, married his brother’s sister.”
“Did ya have any kids Ed?”
“Nope, we had us separate bedrooms: mine was in Kansas, her’s was in Colorado.”
“What happened to her Ed?”
“Got bit by a big mean ol rattler right on her butt; took five days to die, foamin at the mouth and writhin in agony.”
“Poor woman!”
“I’m talkin bout the snake; I dumped her with some old snake oil salesman. never saw her again.”
“God! Ed, it’s hotter’n hell in here. When d’ya last take a bath; you smell like a buffalo pat on a hot day in hell.”
“Gee that’s a tough question, Charlie.”
“Had you a woman lately Ed?”
“Dang me, Charlie. I remember now when ah last took me a bath. Well Charlie that’s my history, what’s yours?”
“Oh, I like to keep myself to myself Ed, if’n ya dont mind.“