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Hello Harvest Mice,

The Churchillian wartime spirit was alive and well recently, as an emergency NOBRA committee meeting was called at the Legion, to discuss emergency measures in the event of a prolonged drought. Dr Emma S told the gathering, “There may well be dark days ahead; the taps have run dry all over Parwich; and we may never see them running again in our lifetime“. Suddenly, as it seemed that all was lost, Emma came up with the solution that had been staring everyone in the face, “We’ll drink wine”. Emma was born shoulder high through the village to rapturous applause. A major catastrophe had been averted. Well done that Lass.

A Canadian man has been charged with the illegally smuggling, trading and export of endangered turtles. He was caught with fifty of the creatures strapped to his body, after border agents suspicions were aroused because he was walking so slowly.

When James Lusted sat down in a Harvester Restaurant for a romantic meal with his fiancée, instead of receiving the expected menu, he was handed a colouring book and some crayons from the waitress. Nice touch, you may think, except for the fact James is a dwarf. Fortunately James and his 5′ 7” fiancée, Chloe, saw the funny side of things and there was no harm done. After their meal the manager popped over to ask them if they would like a complimentary drink; ”Oh! How lovely”, exclaimed Chloe, ”I’d love a Tia Maria. I’m not sure what James will have, our waitress has taken him outside to play on the swings.“

Even to this day, some intriguing facts about the Nazi dictator, Adolf Hitler, are still coming to light. For instance, his trademark moustache was believed to have been inspired by the slapstick genius of the silent movie star, Charlie Chaplin, although Hitler could never quite master Chaplin’s comical waddle. Contrary to the claims of the popular wartime ditty, a certain part of Hitler’s lower anatomy is not languishing in ‘The Free Trade Hall’, but was in fact shot off by a sniper in the battle of the Somme. Hitler was said to have been eternally thankful that the sniper didn’t have double vision. Entries in Eva Braun’s personal diaries portray the Führer as an obsessive personal hygiene freak, he was a strict vegetarian, suffered from acute flatulence, dental problems and extreme halitosis and did not have many close friends. Hitler and his mistress engaged in some bizarre personal activities, but he was never into uniforms. Hitler was enormously superstitious and would flatly refuse to make love to Eva on the thirteenth, even if the other golfers raised no objections. It is also widely believed that Hitler did not perish in his bunker, but was in fact spirited away to Argentina, disguised as a Bavarian milkmaid, living out his days indulging in his passion for fast cars. Jeremy Clarkson and the ‘Top Gear‘ team are returning to Argentina to rediscover the Führer’s final years; they will be driving two classic army jeeps, done in goose green livery, with the registrations ARG O and GB I.

Channel Five is screening it’s hilarious new sit com ‘Babies, Benefits and Jail Soon‘ following the trials and tribulations of two single mothers in a depraved area of Bogshire.

Chantelle is busy knitting hoodies for ‘Children in Need‘; enter best mate Nadine:

“Hiya Chant,why aint ya wotchin Jeremy Kyle then?”.
“I don’t like ‘im, wot wif all them slags, chavs and toe rags on ‘is show.”
“Guess wot Chant?”
“Wot?”
”I’m pregnant again, it’s twins this time.”
“Ooooh! Did you go wif two blokes then?”
“When’s your Denny get out, then Chant?”
“Nuvver six weeks. ‘E sez ‘e’s goin straight then.”
“Wot? straight down the pub? You doin owt later, Chant?”
“Yeh, I’m ‘aving an ovver tat wif me birfday money.”

She turns to her little toddler, Chevrolet, who is pulling out the cats whiskers with some pliers and swigging from a can of Red Bull.

“You wanna tat Chev?”
” **** *** ”
”Ah, bless ‘im, ‘es just like ‘is Dad.”
”Wonna sweet Chas?”
“Wot are they?”
”Nick ‘n mix your favrits.”
“You avin a tat Nade?”
“Nah, they’ll fink I’m spendin me benefits. Second forts, I fink I will, they can go **** ***.”

Meanwhile Chantelle’s American Pit bull poodle cross ‘Giro’ has gone walkabout. He is eventually found playing with the children in the park. No, no, it’s not real blood. Chantelle is in the tattoo parlour, she drops her pants for her new tat:

“Wot d’ya want this time Chant?”
“Can you do The Taj Mahal?”
“Wot dy’a mean, that great big posh palace in Inja?”
“Don’t be daft, I mean the Taj Mahal Tandoori take away on the corner of Grub Street”.

Tune in next week for another side splitting episode.

Bye for now, Paul B.