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Hello Possums,

Weedkiller Weekly have been asked by Derbyshire Police to clarify the purpose of the current firearms amnesty, following an incident where a clapped out Mitsubishi ‘Shogun‘ with no tax or m.o.t. was dumped outside Ashbourne Police Station in the early hours of this morning.

Latest research suggests that adopting a healthy lifestyle could stave off the ravages of dementia for up to twelve years. Now, where did I put those vitamin pills?

Never allow a cannibal to pick your brains.

Free to good home: Very friendly lovable male tabby cat and goldfish with bowl … … Correction … … Free to good home: Very friendly male tabby cat and goldfish bowl.

Gangs of armed and dangerous teenagers, dressed as clowns, are terrorizing locals in various areas of France. A group of fourteen such delinquents, armed with pistols, knives and baseball bats, were arrested in the port town of Agde on Saturday. A police spokesman told our Raving Reporter that these clown criminals were getting too big for their boots.

Everyone’s favourite treat, the common or garden ice cream, apparently can provide remarkable fertility benefits in later life. Just three portions of this popular sweet, every day, are said to significantly chances of older women becoming pregnant. As living proof 68 year old Prunella Puckering of Yorkshire, who regularly indulges in three scoops of raspberry ripple, has recently given birth to triplets.

It is becoming increasingly likely that the popular afternoon words and numbers game ‘Countdown‘ may have to be aired after the watershed, following a recent spate of words that, although being perfectly legitimate, but still raised a few eyebrows among the audience, were submitted by contestants. The most recent being the seven letter word ‘Todger‘ submitted by guest TV chef, Hairy Biker Dave Myers. Suzy Dent, from dictionary corner, said that she believed it was some sort of sausage.

The good old ‘Beeb‘ has been accused of falling standards after a number of presenters pronounced their Hs as Haitches and Rs as Ws. The Queen’s English Society said that this was the start of the slippery slope, with thwee incidences in Apwil alone, wesulting in a drop in watings in progwammes such as Spwingwatch, Antiques Woad Show and The Appwentice. Copies of ‘The Queen’s English And How To Speak It‘ are available now from W Haitch Smiff’s, priced firteen pounds.

Apparently, good old ‘Fergie‘ has revealed her secret of dealing with all the trials and tribulations that Royal connections can throw at one. Her positive approach to life is her belief in fairies and magic, such as Royal properties mysteriously rocketing in value overnight. The Duchess says that when one blows on a dandelion you will see the light of the enchanted spreading their wings and disappearing off on their own journeys. Now why couldn’t I have written that? Joking apart, Fergie has said that, as long as Prince Andrew keeps playing tooth fairy and puts a fifty pound note under her pillow, she will always believe in fairies.

Paul Daniels, the magician, needed an emergency tetanus shot, after being bitten by one of his stage rabbits. His doctor said, “You won’t like this, not one bit“. The rabbit has since disappeared. Daniels went to hospital in 2011, after Sooty the glove puppet threw a pizza that hit him on the head. Do you think maybe someone is trying to tell him something?

BOO! Make you jump out of your skin? Thought not. However it did frighten many a wee bairn in 18th century Scotland. According to linguist, David Robertson from Glasgow University, the word ‘boo‘ is of early Celtic origin, with the ‘-ze‘ being added at sometime later.

Bye Fer Noo, Paul B.

P.S. If you didn’t manage to catch ‘The Parchers: every day tale of Derbyshire folk‘,  you can still catch up on Weedkiller Weekly.