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Photos have been added to this post (Tues 23rd Sept)

Thanks to Val S for another literary masterpiece as well as champion tennis player.

I knew I was in trouble when I woke to the sound of Cher from my bedside radio….yes I KNOW our love won’t pay the rent but neither will it get a tennis tournament and end of season BBQ organised…..

Glynis (aka Drummond G) called, she’ll get rolls, beer and stuff, the Linnells are on sausages (obviously) and Colin B is organising the tennis; I get to clean and scrub two rusty dirty barbeques and plan some stuff for the annual dinner, my cup overfloweth.

All ready by 1pm. 24 highly motivated players were confronted by yet another cunning competition format, this time devised by Colin B……….And when I’m sad, you’re a clown …….. ….24 players – 3 Drummonds, 3 Smiths, 3 Linnells, 3 Beesleys, 2 Coates, 2 Yarletts, 2 Watsons, a single Fentem, a Chadfield (well done Sandra!) a Bunting, the vicar, a bloke called Richard and me – making 12 couples…I got you to hold my hand……

Those with any remaining interest, and an in depth knowledge of the village, may have noticed that this motley crew, gathered for the traditional ‘end of season’ bash, comprised of 7 males and 5 females. As a tennis club (albeit small) we are formally required by the Lawn Tennis Association (that’s the rich people who run Wimbledon) to have, and to apply, a number of policies designed to make us a ‘better’ club and to ensure that should, per chance, the next British Wimbledon Champion happen, at any point, to be born in Parwich then their progression from village to champion will be seamless. (That’s notwithstanding the need to attend training in Derby everyday of the week or to have a parent with the cash, spare time and volition to buy all the equipment and to drive their offspring up and down the country at their own expense, of course). ….Before it’s earned, our money’s always spent…

So, an Equal Opportunities Club we are and we can prove it. Our application of policy may not strictly in line with the LTA’s ideals but when we are a woman player short for a decent competition format we don’t see anything amiss whatsoever with requiring a pre-pubescent teenage boy to don a wig and to play as a female – our 12th couple, therefore, was the devastatingly tricky combination of Wilma Beesley and Rannoch Linnell, playing alternate matches as Rannetta Linnell and William Beesley – well done boys and girls!

To the tennis – Court one, first match, Smith D and Smith C v Beesley C and Beesley R , Court two Drummond P and Drummond G versus Drummond A and Stevenson V……..I got you to walk with me ….. (Drummond R has, incidentally, just left for Uni…… So let them say your hair’s too long ….….)

Much very good and competitive tennis ensued. Ed demonstrated his tenacity and body swerving at the net, Rebecca’s head remained on her shoulders (just), Jenny had no time for a fag, the wig fell by the wayside, we arrived at the semi-finals. Utilising some highly sophisticated mathematical techniques, Beesley C was able to deduce that these would be contested by Smith D and Smith C playing Drummond P and Drummond G…. I got flowers in the spring, I got you to wear my ring…..and Linnell N and Linnell E ….I got you to kiss goodnight …..playing Drummond A and Stevenson V. The vicar, playing with Di B, narrowly avoided the semis – which was fortuitous as he has a service at six – as did the Linnells, but any more tennis would have interfered with Ed’s beer drinking.

The semis resulted in victories for Drummonds P & G and for Drummond A and Stevenson V thus setting up yet another final in which Drummond P was confronted by one of his offspring. Now whilst the habit of competing against his sons in tennis club finals is clearly one Paul enjoys, he must do, he does it so often; competing against, and then losing to his sons is proving a little more challenging to the ever-so-slightly ageing star. This was very clearly going to be ‘game-on’. (Last week, regular readers of this column will recall, Drummond A beat Drummond P only to lose to Drummond R who then played Drummond P and beat him). No pressure, but Drummond A, 15 today (Happy Birthday to you!) now had to face both of his parents in a final…..They say we’re young and we don’t know, Won’t find out until we grow…………..

One set of proper tennis. Drummond A and Stevenson edged into an early lead. Drummond P engaged Drummond A in a display of skilful, high quality, hard hitting tennis; the women were bystanders. Then, Drummond P, confronted with the reality of living in a house full of trophies, none of which were his, ‘upped’ his game by playing to the feeble Stevenson backhand – Mmmm, wonder where the next serve’s going Paul? The match got closer. Tie break. The tension mounted. The sausages were ready. The crowd chose not to eat – the match was too tense and they were frozen to their seats. Time for tactics, for mentoring, for gentle support and the nurturing of young talent – Alexander, it’s quite simple; you have to hit it at your mother. Outcome, a 10-8 victory in the tie break for Drummond A and Stevenson…..Then put your little hand in mine; there ain’t no hill or mountain we can’t climb…

Photos by Coin B added Tuesday 23rd Sept

Try and work out what is happening here. We always knew that Nia was unbalanced – it’s because her cups are different sizes …..

Oon and Tom , the winners of the Parwich Tennis Club Under 16 Singles championships, held on Sunday Morning.

The end of the Mixed doubles final

The presentaion of the trophy

The victorious couple