Greetings, Guys. If anyone is any doubt as to why thousands upon thousands of pounds’ worth of pyrotechnic wizardry bang, sparkle, crackle and whizz into the night sky at this time of the year, you can safely lay the blame at the feet of Guido Fawkes, who – along with his Catholic buddies – failed in their attempt to blow King James VI and his parliament to kingdom come. Guido was discovered in the cellars below with 36 barrels of gunpowder. As it happened, the gunpowder was virtually useless and probably wouldn’t have even been capable of blowing his hat off. Guido and his fellow conspirators were “persuaded” to plead guilty to treason and were sentenced to be hung, drawn and quartered. Guido flung himself from the scaffold and actually hung himself to avoid this gruesome execution. Bonfires were lit across the land to celebrate the survival of the king.
What a hoot: a lady in Melbourne, Australia is advertising for night time guardians to watch over her whilst she sleeps. Pretty reasonable, you might think – except for the fact that the successful applicants will be expected to dress as owls. There are no meal breaks, but you are allowed a muesli bar if peckish. Three owls are required to work on a rota basis, at £25 per hour. Breakfast will be provided for the early bird, consisting of field mice, voles, frogs, toads and the odd slug or two.
Across the pond: Hilda Vita, 88, who was admitted to hospital following a stroke, has died as a result of tomato soup being fed into her I.V. tube instead of her feeding tube. Her family have instructed their attorney to sue for gross negligence. “It’s not about the money”, they said. “The terrible tragedy is that she missed her favourite pudding: apple crumble and custard.”
Back home, the scramble for tickets to Jedward’s annual Christmas pantomime, Jed and the Beanstalk, is well underway. Their last panto, Cinderella, saw them cast as the Fairy Godbrothers. For their latest panto, they flip a coin before each performance to decide who gets the unenviable position at the rear end of the panto horse – hence the expression “heads or tails”. A theatre critic who sat through dress rehearsals commented “It’s a great pity there aren’t two pantomime horses.”
The upmarket Anathan hotel chain in Thailand is serving a luxury coffee called “Black Ivory”. The coffee beans are salvaged by Mahouts after passing through the digestive system of an elephant, to put it nicely. The beans are then dried and freshly ground. As you can imagine it is an expensive product, weighing in at a hefty £15 per cup for the “Jumbo” size.
Lille, France: the local Gendarmerie are attempting to identify the skeleton of a man who had lain undiscovered in bed for fifteen years. A neighbour was asked if she knew of any next of kin or friends. “Mon Dieu”, she exclaimed. “Call yourselves detectives? It’s blatantly obvious he has got nobody.”
According to yet another EU ruling, it is illegal to deny prisoners the right to vote, so henceforth they will be given a day release on polling days, but are on trust to return before lights out. However, they will be able to fit in a bit of shoplifting, settle a few scores, a bit of GBH, stock up on fags etc… and even squeeze in the odd bank job or two.
India: Zeenat Bi lays claim to being the world’s oldest dwarf, at 113 years old. Her husband declined an interview, as he was Bashful; her son Sneezy had gone to bed feeling Sleepy; her Doc told us that Zeenat was prone to mood swings – one minute she felt Happy, the next Grumpy; Doc said “I have just given her some sedatives, so she is feeling a little Dopey at the moment.”
London: Beaky the Amazon Parrot is seeking a new home, but he won’t be everyone’s cup of tea, as he swears like a trooper and he bites. Supervisor Angelina Lusher said “Beaky is a Chattering Lory, and he will only be placed with someone who is well experienced in handling exotic birds.” Silvio Berlusconi has already expressed an interest in Beaky.
Police in Poland, in hot pursuit of a speeding cyclist, were shocked when they finally caught up with him to discover that he was stark naked, apart from a pair of underpants on his head. After being fined £200, Bradley Wiggins attributed his bizarre behaviour to post-Olympics depression.
Finally, many congratulations to the Reverend Reg Dean of Wirksworth, who celebrated his 110th Birthday on 4th November. Reg has seen 26 Prime Ministers come and go, and he can recall the sinking of the Titanic. He attributes his longevity not only to his vegetarian diet and a drop of gin, but also to an elixir of life given to him by a doctor in India. Reg drank this rather strange brown liquid, which must have worked as he is officially Britain’s oldest man. Well done, Reg. By the way, Ken’s Mini Market has sold out of HP Sauce.
Cheers,
Paul B.
PARWICH.ORG 
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