Hello Possums! The Weedkiller Weekly consists of genuine news items from far and wide, unlikely as some may seem, with just a little tweak here and there.
The annual “Eat Bugs For Balls” competition recently took place in Deerfield Beach, Florida. Edward Archibald retained his title as undisputed Maggot and Cockroach Eating Champion, winning a python for his efforts. Unfortunately he collapsed in agony shortly after the presentation and could not be revived by paramedics. The state coroner delivered a verdict of death by misadventure, after a post mortem concluded that his death was most likely due to a dodgy hot dog he had eaten prior to the event.
The NHS is having to arrange for morbidly obese patients to undergo body scans at local zoos, as standard hospital equipment cannot cope with them. Other treatments being considered are elongated neck dislocations, Hipposuction, Elephantiasis, Dingowings, Bi-polar Bear Disorder and Ape-endiceptomies.
Zbgniew Linder, a Polish coffin maker, is producing calendars to promote his business. So what, you may think – but his calendars feature scantily clad glamour models in various seductive poses, draped over his coffins. When asked if he didn’t think the calendars were distasteful and disrespectful to the departed, he replied “Absolutely not – I am up against some very stiff opposition”.
Golden Palace Casinos in Las Vegas have bought what is officially the world’s largest brassiere at a charity auction. It comes in fluorescent pink and has the Guinness Book of Records certificate. It was donated by Jordan, who said “I am delighted by the amount raised – it was getting a little tight anyway”.
The people of Cornwall are petitioning to change the name of “Brown Willie” on Bodwin Moor. Standing at 1,378ft, it is the highest point in the Duchy. The true Cornish name is “Bronn Wennili” or ”Hill Of Swallows”. A spokesman for Bogshaws estate agents told us “Scores of families who are embarrassed to live here are re-locating, to places such as Great Cockup and Little Cockup in Cumbria, Titty Hill in West Sussex, Broken Wind in Aberdeenshire, Slack Bottom in West Yorkshire and Shitterton in Dorset”.
It looks like another British tradition is in peril, after the fifteen strong Wild Hunt Bedlam Morris Men were reported to police for causing a noise nuisance with their music and bells. Their performance at the White Lion in Warlingham, Surrey, was brought to an abrupt end, much to the chagrin of the locals. The officer in charge was asked if he expected any trouble from the troupe. “It all went off very peaceably”, he replied. “In fact, they were all waving white handkerchiefs in surrender.”
A rat caused havoc after being discovered inside a post-op theatre at Kings Mill hospital in Mansfield, resulting in the postponement of forty operations. Local rodent control experts were contacted immediately, who told the hospital manager that there was a two to three year waiting list, but they would be in touch if there was a cancellation.
A nun from the Little Sisters of Mercy Convent in Oklahoma was caught on CCTV recently, taking a can of lager from a cooler in a convenience store and secreting it in her habit. When summoned by the Mother Superior to account for her actions, she said that by some miracle the can appeared to bear an image of the Virgin Mary, and she felt compelled to take it.
The Mother Superior shook her head. “And did you steal anything else, Sister?”
“I’m afraid I also stole a jumbo hot dog.”
“Good God, my child – and who did that bring to mind, pray tell?”
“It was Father Murphy, Mother Superior.”
News has reached us of the latest craze to sweep the USA: glow-in-the-dark undies, by House of Holland, featuring ultra-neon colours. Boris Becker is following suit with his luminescent unisex briefs: just the job for those dark broom cupboards at the back of restaurants.
That’s All, Folks!
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