PARWICH.ORG

Thank you to Paul for his latest news ’round-up’:

Hello Possums, Have you opened the first windows of your advent calendars yet and scoffed the little treats inside ?, An arctic cold snap is forecast possibly heralding the coldest winter for a 100 years, it may be worth a wee flutter on it being a white Christmas. Did you know that originally good old St Nicholas, the patron saint of Toys-R ‘Us, was attired in green, that is until Coca Cola marketing got hold of him and dressed him in red.

Whilst on the Xmas theme at the recent Bavarian market in Birmingham more than a few eye brows were raised as the carousel begin to merrily rotate to the theme from the “Dambusters “. The large contingent of German stallholders took no offence and laughed it off. A spokesman from Birmingham City Council said “we have no control over the music and this was a pure coincidence, a one-off you might say“. Next came the themes from “The Great Escape”, “The Battle Of Britain”, “The Heroes Of Telemark “, “Kelly’s Heroes” and “Colonel Bogey”. One German trader asked an English fish monger what was the large fish on his counter, some wise guy shouted “don’t tell him Pike “. “They don’t like it up e’m you know “. 

Two Sheffield lads, John Watts and Thomas Wood, have taken the movie world by storm with a dynamic trailer of “The Lost Emperor” an historic battle epic filmed on location in the Peak District on a £20,000 budget. The main film will most likely be completed in China. Staff from local Chinese restaurants were recruited as extras for the battle scenes, however there has been some friction according to the director Chris P Wanton who told us ” as the extras are not Equity members they are being paid less and as a consequence are wokking to rule“. The main stars Sean Beansprout and Tom Yum are trying to resolve the dispute.

Margate, Kent: An armed police response unit almost tasered an innocent man carrying a drum kit when they mistook his drumsticks for firearms, he was cautioned by police and told to beat it.

Tourist officials in Romania are promoting their country with claims that Prince Charles is a direct descendant of Count Dracula and is therefore of Transylvanian blood. We contacted the Prince’s private secretary who said ” what utter nonsense, these claims are ludicrous” . We did ask to speak to the Prince but were told that he never appears until nightfall and even then his movements are cloaked in secrecy.

A German woman, Norma Stitz, has been charged with attempted manslaughter after trying to smother her boyfriend with her 38D bust during lovemaking. The man managed to escape her lethal embrace after a desperate struggle. The judge, after a close inspection of exhibits A & B, said “This man had an extremely close encounter and he was almost the unwitting victim of a premeditated booby trap“. The trial continues … …

Kent police have disclosed details of more than forty ludicrous 999 calls made during the last six years, including a man who claimed that flying saucers shadowed him going to and fro from the pub. Another caller claimed his house was occupied by a Poltergeist and demanded that officers came and exorcised it; the police controller told him an officer would attend and take it out for a walk.  A lady said she was being intimidated by a legion of fairies, goblins and imps at the bottom of her garden. Police declined to attend due to ‘elf and safety issues.

Claustrophobia — A fear of Father Christmas.

A Belgian man is seeking to have his 19 year old marriage annulled after discovering that his Indonesian wife was born a man. Jan the husband is undergoing psychiatric treatment for extreme trauma. He did say however that she had never displayed any male traits whatsoever and his suspicions were never aroused. We did ask to speak to her but he told us she had gone on a stag weekend to Amsterdam with the lads.

Stuttgart: A German man was horrified on discovering a dead bat in his bowl of muesli as he was about to tuck in. A food safety official reckoned the bat had been dragged under by a strong currant and had perished as a result.

That’s your lot, go and untangle those fairy lights now, P.B.