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Hello Possums, HO! HO! HO!

Thank you Jane for the one and only response: Good effort, but the answer is Badger, as he only has two legs. I can almost hear you screaming.

Well we are almost at the finishing line, not very seasonal weather, but we may just avoid a hosepipe ban next Summer!

Did you happen to read some of the pathetic excuses in the press recently given by people offloading unwanted pets? “He isn’t as cute as he was when he was a puppy; We have a new three piece suite and their colours clash; It breaks wind too much; It smells like a dog”, would you Adam & Eve it?

Toronto, Canada: The owner of Darwin, a seven month old rhesus macaque monkey, is desperate to have him back after he was found wandering around “IKEA” wearing only a sheepskin coat and a diaper. The manager of the store is extremely reluctant to return him as not only has he been entertaining customers with his antics, but he has also been assembling flat pack furniture in record time.

Youngstown, Ohio: A Vietnamese pot bellied pig, weighing 300lbs, survived a high speed crash which resulted in a stolen Nissan being written off. The pig was asleep on the rear seat of Wendy Thrasher’s car when it was taken from outside a friend’s house. Wendy told reporters “It’s a tremendous relief to know he is virtually unscathed and none the worst for his ordeal, it would have ruined our Christmas if we had lost him, he is a part of the family“. Some weeks later a reporter following up the story was shocked to see the pig with a wooden leg; he asked Wendy if the pig had sustained an injury after all? “Oh no! We couldn’t bear to have him butchered after all he has been through, so we just had one leg for Christmas dinner“.

A Ukrainian dumpling eating competition ended in tragedy when the winner Ivan Mendel collapsed after receiving his prize his prize for scoffing ten in record time, a one litre jar of sour cream which smashed. Poor Ivan gasped his last among a tangle broken glass and sour cream. His wife Maria was inconsolable, she said “I was relying on him winning the sour cream so I could make our favourite goulash it’s so typical of him selfish to the last“.

In India in an effort to reduce birth rates authorities have introduced a vasectomy lottery. Individuals who volunteer are given 600 Rupees and have their names entered in a weekly draw; on offer are televisions, motorbikes, food processors, and even a Tato pickup truck. The first volunteer amazed the surgeons when they discovered that he had three appendages as opposed to the usual two. He explained to them that this was his bonus ball.

Turku, Finland: Motorists could soon be filling up on fuel made from ice cream after a compound found in the popular dessert could be adapted to power vehicles, Although scientists are optimistic the fuel will be limited to Sundae drivers only for the present.

A last minute attempt to resolve a long running dispute over unreasonable rent hikes at Marley’s Rastafarian hair stylists on Normanton Road in Derby has ended in dreadlock.

An apparently mentally ill Roman Catholic priest, who has regularly interrupted sporting events by running onto the pitch dressed in women’s clothing waving a banner warning of the impending apocalypse, has been sectioned under the mental health act and has subsequently been defrocked.

A great grandmother was asked to remove her hood on entering ‘Tesco Express’ in Preston. Barbara Frances, a retired clerk, had her hood up because it was raining, and had popped in for some cornflakes. An assistant was suspicious of her motives assuming that she may have been a cereal shoplifter.

North Carolina, U.S.A: Benjamin Greene entered ‘Spencer’s gift shop’ and was over the moon to find an inflatable doll modelled on his dream girl Miley Cyrus the singer. The store sells a selection of ‘latex love dolls’ including singers and actresses and boasts that for $19.90 you can live out your innermost fantasies with the girl of your dreams. Bargain eh? Alas next day a disillusioned Benjamin was demanding a refund. Customer Services asked him what the problem was with his purchase. He said “When I got home I inflated her very carefully and I sat back and waited and waited and she never sang so much as a single note”.

From the editor and staff of Weedkiller weekly a very Merry Christmas & a Happy New Year.

Back in January. P.B.