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Hello Possums,

Well that’s February done and dusted. The Catholic church was rocked by the recent announcement that his holiness Pope Benedict XVI is to take early retirement. It is widely rumoured however that Tony Blair may be throwing his mitre in the ring for the top job thus adding the Vatican to his growing property portfolio.

The lucrative world of after dinner speaking is abuzz with the prospect of Lord Prescott joining the circuit. He has optimistically hired an agent to procure some mouth watering engagements for him in the near future. ‘Prezza’ rose steadily through the ranks, defying working class prejudices, from ship’s steward to become Tony Blair’s right hand man, eventually joining the House of Lords, an institution he had long championed. His syntax and eloquent jousting at the dispatch box is legendary among the Labour Party. A veritable feast of anecdotal entertainment awaits, a postprandial extravaganza not to be missed.

Seven Oaks, Kent: A Specsavers’ shop was badly damaged by a Ford Motor car, which crashed into the window, after the driver lost control. As the shaken man was helped from the vehicle the manager stormed out shouting, “You want to get your bloody eyes tested mate“.

Network rail passengers endured a delay of over an hour recently due to a signalman answering a call of nature in a platform lavatory. Whilst the company apologized for the inconvenience they stated categorically that it is a safety regulation that the train remains stationary whilst the signalman is in motion.

U.S.A.: Joe Webbs, a former stuntman, is protecting his business from arsonists and vandals by launching a huge mass of steaming chicken droppings from a powerful homemade catapult, based on a Roman trebuchet, which would have been used to hurl large rocks at the enemy. Unfortunately mistaking a passing police patrol car for intruders, he launched his projectile, which landed on the top of the police car, splattering it with manure and staving in the roof. The police officers stood scratching their chins. One said “Damn, what in the hell kind of bird could do that Charlie?“, “Dunno George, but judging by the size of its payload, I don’t think we’ll hang around and find out“.

A pensioner became one of Scotland’s oldest bridegrooms when he tied the knot with seventy four year old Liz Stewart his long term girlfriend; Bill Rodgers courted her for over a decade before popping the question Liz told us with a coy expression “Bill and I never went any further than a kiss and a cuddle in all those years because I wanted to save myself, but now we intend to make up for lost time, don’t we Bill?, Bill, BILL, BILL“.

The climax of the World Rally Championships in Ireland narrowly escaped serious disruption after a lorry carrying 160 pigs overturned close to the route, spilling the pigs onto the main Sligo road, resulting in a ten mile curly tail back.

IKEA’s Swedish meatballs have tested positive for horse D.N.A, the product comes flat packed for home assembly. The frozen meatballs come in packs of 1kg and are labelled as beef and pork. Trading standards told us that there had been problems with IKEA before, when an item of their furniture was found to contain traces of real wood.

Workers at a chain of budget hotels are been instructed in how to deal with the rising problem of naked sleepwalkers wandering around during the night, the majority being men. As it is widely considered to be dangerous to attempt to waken a somnambulist one hotel was lucky enough to have Lenny Henry, who we all know is a frequent stayer at budget hotels, on hand to solve the problem. He suggested placing a comic relief red nose on a certain appendage to preserve a modicum of decency and place a do not disturb sign thereon.

Bye for now. P.B.