Hello possums.
After the phenomenal success of Tom Chambers, we have another rising star in our midst. A mover and shaker, who makes Michael Jackson look like Pinocchio, our very own David S. A
‘Britain’s Got Talent’ scout spotted David strutting his stuff to ‘Mr’s Miggin’s Pie Shop’ at the Legion on Saturday night. Apparently David’s vertical leaps were worthy of the African ‘Whatootsie’ (Watusi) tribe, who execute amazing leaps in their fertility dances in an effort to impress prospective brides. In his usual modest manner David was unfazed by the prospect of stardom, but did manage to sign a few autographs before his wife, Sharon, carted him off home in a wheelbarrow.
The ladies of Parwich are waiting with baited breath as the ‘Justin Beiber’ look takes hold among the men folk. Hang on to your hats girls; you are about to be treated to the tantalizing spectacle of Y-fronts or backs , string vests and long johns, as the
Parwich peacocks strut around with their pants around their knees; a sartorial triumph awaits. By the way the dear little chappy turned up two hours late for his London concert recently, meaning the majority of his fans were fast asleep in their prams.
According to local news, a busy Derby street was closed to traffic recently to eliminate the prospect of street drinkers being hit by motorists, as they stagger to and fro. We spoke to one gentleman, who was obviously no stranger to the demon drink. He said “What’s the world coming to when ye canna walk doon the street, with a litre of
White Lightning and a wee drop o Buckfast, wi’out taking yer life in yer hands, eh? It’s a resounding victory for the seasoned drinkers of Derby, dae ye no think so? Cheers“.
Norwegian company, ‘Metsä Tissue’, have removed biblical quotes from their range of luxury loo rolls after receiving complaints from church leaders.
A company spokesman told us the product was intended to feature witty quotes but was accidentally peppered with offensive material; however under the circumstances we hoped that they would have turned the other cheek.
Two bungling ram raiders mistakenly stole a jukebox from a hooters restaurant in the USA, believing it to be a cash machine. After realizing that their truck wouldn’t fit through the doors, they attached a chain to the jukebox and hauled it out to the vehicle.
The jukebox was later found abandoned by the roadside by a passing patrolman, who reckoned that they had realized their mistake after reading a sign which stated “There is no Johnny Cash kept in this jukebox overnight“.
Police have arrested a drunk joy rider, after he stole a 15 mph electric milk float from a Dairy Crest depot in Stockport. The milk float was a write off after being crashed into a river. Stockport magistrates gave him a two year ban, a five hundred pound fine and six pints on his license.
Waitrose supermarket chain’s decision to appoint Pippa Middleton as a columnist on their Kitchen magazine appears to have gone down like a lead party balloon. Staunch Delia fans are up in arms about her usurping their hero. but let’s not be too hasty, as Pippa’s tips for baby’s first birthday party should make it a roaring success. Quails egg croustades with hollandaise and crispy pancetta will have the little rug rats screaming for more. Make sure you have Waitrose’s multi surface
cleaner on hand to clean the mess off the walls. Pippa says “Create a baby proof play zone with lots of cushions, as the majority of party guests will be crawling”. There speaks the voice of experience.
A man has returned a library book fifty years after he borrowed it as a schoolboy. Fortunately he avoided a fine of £2,762.55, as the library held an amnesty for exceeding the loan period without prior arrangement. The book in question “How to develop a superhuman memory” is now back on the shelves.
Bye for now Paul B.
PARWICH.ORG 
Paul, thanks for the kind comments and I am glad it amused a few to say the least, however it was all in vein.
On return home that evening with my price bride, who candidly thought we would save time and energy by using the slip road across the back of the green, where dare I say, the residents would no doubt frown upon at such activities, and if witnessed would only deem this to be tolerable on a Wakes week, when suddenly at this point I was inadvertently thrown from my carriage, we suffered a flat, on from then we made a sharp exit, myself supporting the wheel from the ground and the bride still attached to reigns, fortunately for this to be seen by my neighbours at such a time of day, is classed as the norm.
Next day I identified a Sandal buckle to be the offending item that caused the disruption to travel, and from an assessment of the cost of repair and having to fit lights to the wheel barrow for future use, we have no option other than to sadly park our vehicle, this will no doubt affect the amount of activity that I participate in at the RBL in the future.
This reminds me to buy some batteries for my torch, and if the owner of the buckle requires it back, help yourself before Wednesday, its in my blue bin.
DS
That dear little Bieber chappy was also one hour late for his Nottingham show, which I had the great honour to attend and review: http://www.thisisnottingham.co.uk/Review-Justin-Bieber-Capital-FM-Arena-Mike/story-18306642-detail/story.html#axzz2MU1LICGe
Great response David I Would have expected nothing less from a seasoned trooper like yourself, your cheque is in the post.