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Hello Possums,

Are we all enjoying the Easter break? Of course we are. Lots of excitement as the air ambulance arrived in the village recently, to whisk Barbara’s mother off to hospital. We wish her a speedy recovery.

There is nothing like a crisis for the galvanization of ‘esprit-de-corps’ among the good folk of Parwich, as the recent effort by the ‘Bonio First Responders’, who sprang into action to rescue the day, as a four-legged guest at John and Marion’s holiday cottage will testify. Due to the adverse weather, supplies could not be replenished from outside the village, but a combined effort soon resolved the emergency. Well done.

Our national treasure, Lord Prescott, has tactfully suggested that Her Majesty The Queen should step down from her role as head of state, due to a demanding schedule and recent health issues taking their toll. Prezza, thoughtfully munching on a spring roll at his favorite Chinese restaurant, told us “Being a privy adviser to the Queen, I thought I would have a word in her ‘shell like’, me being well acquainted with the bedsores of high orifice and all. Enough is enough, Mum, time to let Charlie ‘ave a bash. We ‘ave a nice guest room at Prescott Towers, if you and Phil fancy a break. We are well-known for our hospitalization, Pauline gets our loo rolls from the pound store, none of that cheap rubbish. There is a great chippy nearby, and me being so important, I always get a free sausage. The only drawback is Lady Pauline she is not too fond of Corgis, but if there is the prospectus of a knighthood in the offing, she can bloody well like it or lump it”.

The newly elected Pope Francis has stunned the owners of a Buenos Aires newspaper kiosk by personally calling from Rome to cancel his papers. The proprietor, Luis Del Regno, said he thought it was a prank caller, when he introduced himself as Cardinal Jorge, and he wanted to cancel his magazines and papers. “You’re nuts, I said”, “Oh no, I will keep that one” he replied, “Just cancel my two papers and my football magazine, In the name of Father Ted, The Sun and the Goalie Post”.

The Turin shroud has finally been authenticated, beyond doubt, as the cloth that Jesus’ body was wrapped in after his removal from the cross, and no it didn’t have any pockets. It is now destined to take pride of place among other priceless relics such as:

• The original bill from the last supper,
• The eleven commandments,
• Noah’s blueprint for the ark,
• The apple core from the Garden of Eden,
• Mother Theresa’s Crocs
• and the holy grail from Monty Python.

An American Estate Agent, or Realtor, has been caught on security cameras, stealing a female client’s underwear, whilst appraising her property for sale. The items in question were described as having larger than normal accommodation, fabulous views front and rear, easy access, fully sound proofed, freehold, well maintained shrubery at front; small deposit secures. In his defence the man told the judge he was merely checking the size of her drawers. The judge asked him if he got a kick from this activity, he replied “Not really your Honour, but I most certainly will when my wife finds out”.

Ex President George W Bush has discovered a hidden talent, painting dogs. He has received extensive tuition from an accredited artist and has to date painted fifty of the animals. Unfortunately for him his last subject a Rottweiler gave him a nasty nip after his brush slipped whilst putting the finishing touches to the underside of the dog’s tail.

The Derbyshire branch of The Weak Bladder Syndrome Society held their annual Easter dinner dance at the assembly rooms on Saturday evening. Dancing went on well into the wee hours.

Enjoy your weekend, best regards P.B.