PARWICH.ORG

Hello Possums.

Obviously the past week has been dominated, as expected, by the passing of Baroness Thatcher the pinup of the N.U.M. Of course the Weedkiller Weekly is an entirely neutral organ so you must draw your own conclusions as to how great a prime minister she was or was not. I expect the ever ready lunatic fringe will be coming down from the trees and will be intent on causing a disturbance at her funeral service, loot a few shops, overturn some cars, battle with the police. Were you against the poll tax? Not me mate, they should pay just like everyone else. Oh well on we go.

Asda have been forced to withdraw tins of corned beef after minute traces of a horse sedative drug were discovered. For the latest update press the hash key on your computer.

A couple were recently disturbed on the floor of a MacDonald’s restaurant whilst in the throes of passion. Staff were alerted by sounds of grunting and groaning from within, which in itself is not unusual in these establishments. Whilst appearing before magistrates on a charge of outraging public decency, they were asked if they didn’t consider such a venue unsuitable for such activities, “It most certainly is Sir; we normally go to Kentucky fried chicken”.

There was a notable absence of Labour back benchers during the tribute session for Baroness Thatcher, this was due to it clashing with ‘Tele Tubbies’.

A 16 stone German woman went berserk at a slimming club sauna, after her huge beach towels she had placed on two futons were cast onto the floor, and she was accused of taking up too much room by other users. A starkers Diane Mueller was finally overpowered by six policemen and manhandled into a police van in handcuffs. The judge, after hearing of the severe provocation the woman had suffered, was very sympathetic, and ruled that such criticism of a personal and sensitive nature was unjust. He ordered her to be bound over to keep the peace and attend a fatties awareness course.

Paris: The Louvre was closed yesterday due to a walk out by staff protesting at ‘Fagin’ style gangs of children pick pocketing visitors and staff alike by deploying diversionary tactics. Although it was a peaceful gathering outside the museum there were some arrests. We asked a Gendarme why they had detained some of the group; he told us “You’ve got to nick a picket or two”.

Silvio Berlusconi has reluctantly cancelled his planned visit to Parwich due to a misunderstanding. He mistakenly believed there was to be a ‘Bunga Bunga Jump Party’ at the Sycamore. Language barriers eh!

This week we are fortunate enough to have a contribution from our guest food writer Fanny Haddock:

“Ooooooh Ladies! No titter ye not. Haven’t we all been swooning over that big hunk of cheesecake on the box Paul Pinewood? You bet we have darlings: those piercing blue eyes; the jellied hair; the film star tan. No not Mary Berry, this baby is tipped to be the next James Bond starring in “For your pies only” and “The man with the golden bun”. The sensuous way he fondles the dough, we watch mesmerized as it slowly rises as the yeast works its magic. we can almost forgive him for looking into the wrong camera, cant we girls?.If you would like an expert opinion from Paul take your bloomers down during the next ‘Master Bakers Roadshow’. Happy baking.”

As thousands of pounds worth of unsalable plants are ditched by disgruntled nursery growers, it’s ‘open mouth insert gardening boot from Monty Don’.

A Massachusetts business man is offering customers a window cleaning service by men in traditional Scottish garb. This obviously places the workers in a very vulnerable position whilst up ladders. Two nuns, who were lingering longer than necessary admiring the view, asked the man what clan his tartan represented? “McDonalds” he shouted down. “Thought so”, replied one of the nuns. “You’ve a lovely Quarter pounder”.

Kim Jung-un has been chosen to represent North Korea in the Eurovision song contest. He will perform his rendition of Elton John’s Rocket Man.

Ta Ta. Paul B.