Hello Possums,
Swaziland is cracking down on high flying witches by imposing a ban on exceeding an altitude of 150 metres, so as not be a hazard to commercial aircraft. Swaziland is rife with black magic, sorcery, necromancy and superstition; even witch doctors pay income tax. Non compliance of these restrictions may result in
confiscation of broomsticks, a hefty fine or a spell in prison. The witches’ union have condemned these draconian measures describing them as a right load of old warlocks.
At the “Ripley’s Believe It or Not” restaurant in Hollywood, U.S.A, head chef David Gordon’s signature dish of tempura battered tarantula is proving to be a big hit. The
abdomen is removed from the spider and the hairs singed off with a lighter, before being plunged in batter and deep-fried until crispy. ‘The Bugathon’ all-you-can-eat-buffet consists of scorpion, grasshoppers, locusts and cockroaches. The early bird special, served from 5.00pm – 7.00pm, is a generous helping of juicy earthworms with various dips to share. For more details go to the good grub website.
Disaster almost struck at the annual cacti exhibition in London, when one of the prize exhibits a succulenti erectus from Mexico, which bears a remarkable resemblance to the human male appendage, and reaches a height of 18 inches, and is covered in formidable spikes with a ring of tiny red flowers an inch from the top, began to droop. Luckily a fast thinking member of staff fed the plant with half a Viagra tablet dissolved in water. Shortly the cactus recovered and appeared non the worst for wear.
One lady, who witnessed this, turned to her friend, and said “Ere Doreen, do you think that would work with my old man?“, “Tell you something Betty, if he’s got one like that, I think I’d let sleeping dogs lie“.
Why on earth did Albert Einstein waste so much time and effort on his theory of relativity, when he should have been developing the formula for the perfect cream tea. Dr Eugena Ching of the University of Sheffield maths dept, who uses food to explain complicated mathematical problems, has done just that by breaking down the popular repast into three basic elements; a 70gr scone, 35gr jam and 35gr clotted cream. Her next project is to ascertain the perfect number of holes in a crumpet.
Once again celebrity chef endorsement has had a profound effect on consumers. Heston Blumenthal’s recent prune promotion has sent sales soaring. His theory on the nutritional benefits of prunes
has the backing of the medical establishment, not to mention other effects. Heston was said to be very moved by the experience.
A man, who spent 15 years with a foreign body embedded in his head, finally sought help at a hospital in Germany. The 24 year old Afghan man had suffered headaches and impaired vision since childhood. After a complicated operation, surgeons removed a four inch long pencil from his head. The surgeon told us the man had made a good recovery, but had no recollection of how the pencil got there, so we must draw our own conclusions.
An earthquake in North Wales was felt 100 miles away; Dylan Evans and his wife Blodwyn, of Abersoch, were nearing the climax of their weekly get together, when their house shook violently and windows rattled along with resonating claps of thunder, their bed slid from one end of the bedroom to the other. “Goodness me Dylan“, his wife said, “We’ll have to try that position again.”
Abu Qatada has finally decided to return to Jordan, but we gather she is not at all keen on the idea.
Prince Andrew has accrued sufficient air miles to travel to Mars. Have a good trip, Sir.
Always be sincere, even if you don’t mean it.
The new library in Ashbourne has reported that recent issues of a book entitled ‘The Poltergeist Phenomena‘ have been flying off the shelves.
Some more word definitions:
- Cliff ———————- rock singer
- Cannibal ————— aunt eater
- Cannonade ———– ecclesiastical soft drink
- Cash on delivery — midwives wages
- Castanets ————- Italian fishermen
- Catacombs ———— pets grooming aid
- Catarrh —————– Blackbeard’s pet
Bye for now, Paul B
PARWICH.ORG 
Glad to be back, but
