PARWICH.ORG

Hello Possums,

Weedkiller’s elite Employment Agency Bureau has been engaged in the search for a suitable applicant for the position of horological conservator to maintain the Royal Collection of over a thousand clocks. The said timepieces are in various Royal Residences around the Country. Applicants must be time-served apprentices, a generous salary is on offer, which included traveling expenses and double chime on weekends and bank holidays. We have been assured that this is a bona fide position, and not a wind up!

Tesco’s has been fined £45,000, after health inspectors discovered a super mouse, twice the size of normal mice, munching on raw chicken in one of their flagship stores. The supermarket are appealing for donations of mousetraps however small, ‘as every little helps‘.

A 38 year-old man from North Shields, who is obsessed the old ‘love it or loath it‘ Marmite, is changing his name by deed poll. He will, in future, be known as Sid Marmite instead of Sid May. His close mate, Jacob Evans, who has an insatiable appetite for cheese biscuits, will most likely stick with his original surname.

A huge grant of £2,000,000 has been made available to students to study the interaction between chickens and humans. The three year project will involve travel to Cuba and Ethiopia, and will hopefully provide an insight into our relationship with chickens. I dare say the majority of starving Ethiopians would dearly love to interact with a nice juicy chicken with three veg.

Well, well, our very own Pippa has taken up the noble art of boxing to show that people of all classes can engage in such sports. Although it is still early days, our national treasure has avoided gracing the canvas with her famous derrière. Her next foray is into the ancient Samurai martial art of ‘OK, Yah‘.

A London academic unwittingly ran up fines, totaling £8,500, on a library book 47 years overdue. The book, ‘My Battle with Amnesia‘ by Naomi Emery, was due to be returned on October 11th 1966.

A Chinese man has had a new nose grown on his forehead, after a serious infection, following an accident, resulted in the amputation of his original one. The new nose will be ready for a transplant soon, but not soon enough for the man as he told us that every time he sneezed he blew his hat off.

Residents of the Welsh village of Varteg are up in arms over plans to change its name to Y’Farteg. They are fearing the humiliation arising from the name change. This has been deemed necessary as the letter ‘v’ does not appear in the Welsh alphabet. The village of Vlatulence fear they may be next in line.

I Pry, the Derbyshire based detective agency, has recently been ‘private eyes’d‘.

The ‘Nice n Naughty‘ adult shop, that has operated for over a decade in Aberystwyth, has gone bust. The erotic array of sensual lingerie, accessories and magazines has failed to arose interest in the locals. The premises has, in the past, been mistaken for a charity shop. One person enquired as to whether or not one could house-train a rampant rabbit. Another lady took some Knickers back, claiming they were faulty as there was no crotch in them. The owner told Weedkiller’s Raving Reporter that hard-up students and unadventurous locals were the cause of their demise, that, and a failure of the local Council to stand up for them.

The new owners of Basil, the Africa grey parrot, whose previous owners lived in the Vale of Glamorgan, got more than they bargained for after bringing him home to Bristol. Basil greeted people with a polite ‘Hello’, before launching into a tirade of obscenities, no holds barred. However, Basil’s new owners are persevering with him, and are hoping that the introduction of a female companion will distract from his usual antics. One theory is that Basil was totally bored in Glamorgan, because he was ‘the only grey in the village‘.

Bye for now, Paul B.