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Hello Possums,

Well just one more fence to clear, ‘the Halloween Handicap Hurdle’, then it’s into the home strait for jingle tills, that magical time of the year for overspending, over indulgence and over familiarity. However, if you are after something special for your loved one, look no further. For a mere £55.00 per head there is on offer a festive treat at Highgrove House, courtesy of Prince Charles. Up to a hundred paying guests will be treated to organic mulled wine on arrival, followed by a two course dinner, with organic crackers to pull, an opportunity to catch Camilla under the mistletoe, coffee and mince pies, then a rousing session of traditional carols and, to round off the evening, charades and Twister.

USA: An 18 year old Seminole County man took a comfort break he won’t forget in a hurry. While he was relieving himself behind a bush, his buddy in the truck took a pot shot at a large snake slithering across the road, missed and shot his friend in the thigh. The State Police are not taking any action, as it was a plain case of mis-snaken identity.

A Polish exorcist has warned shoppers to be on their guard against demonic goats’ cheese on sale at Lidl’s supermarket. Apparently the price of 6.66 zlotys uncannily resembles the ‘number of the Beast’. Obviously the packaging bears an image of a goat, also suggesting a Satanic connection. Also affected are ‘Witch-Kraft’ cheese slices and ‘Gorgon-zola’.

A lorry, carrying a cargo of Branston Pickle, shed part of its load after a minor collision in Shepton Mallet, ten miles from Cheddar itself. Police discovered that the driver had had a previous near miss in Piccalilli Circus, and was also involved in an incident of road rage near the Gherkin in the City.

Chessington Zoo has introduced a zero tolerance policy for visitors wearing animal print clothing, claiming that it causes distress and confusion amongst certain inmates. Bouncers have been employed to enforce the rule. Also banned are fishnet tights in the aquarium, turtleneck sweaters and crocodile shoes in the reptile house, and no Leo -pards near the big cat enclosures.

The ‘Ghost’ Burger: Rosemary Beads, Weedkiller’s food writer, is following up reports of an unholy row, that has broken out after a Chicago diner began serving a cheeseburger topped with a communion wafer and red wine sauce. Naturally it has received mixed reviews, with one customer saying “I must confess it was very tasty“. Regular, Mary Hail, washed hers down with a Virgin Mary, saying it was heavenly. However, one guest was not impressed, telling Rosemary “It’s the Last Supper I’ll eat here“.

The Derbyshire Hypochondriac Society’s annual outing to the Blackpool Illuminations has been postponed due to good health.

Bye for now, Paul B.