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Hello Possums,

Well in the words of the great Ken Dodd, “What a lovely day for sticking a pound of tripe down your y-fronts, standing on your head and singing Rule Britannia backwards“.

Buckingham Palace are to recruit a responsible person to provide care and to exercise the Queen’s pet dogs. Applicants must be Corgi registered.

Oklahoma police have arrested a man, who attempted to rob a convenience store whilst wearing a gorilla mask. The man told the court, in his defense, that he was driven by desperation as he didn’t have two ‘ape knees’ to rub together.

An obese American lady has a rare eating disorder, sitophilia, an erotic obsession with cakes and sweets. The sight and smell of a bakery will set her 32 stone frame quivering with sensual anticipation. She cannot indulge her husband at night unless scoffing cakes and doughnuts in the process. Her husband said that their sex life was pretty crumby these days, and that she is probably the only woman to attend an Anne Summers party and come home with a cake mixer. Not a happy ending, as the lady in question choked on a slice of Devil’s food cake. Coroner’s verdict: ‘death by chocolate‘.

Opportunist thieves have stolen two giant inflatable bananas from outside a health spa. Police suspect they have already sold the bananas and split the proceeds.

USA: Sergio Seanez and an accomplice have been indicted for breaking and entering a mobile home, stealing amongst other things a collection of adult DVDs featuring dwarves. The judge, who viewed the material to assess the seriousness, said “I shall never see Snow White in the same light again“.

A recent website, offering contraception for pets, has been declared a hoax. One man, who was duped, told us he had order some tiny prophylactics, and was told, if there is such a thing, it would only fit a mouse. The man said “I know that, my house is overrun with them“.

Two Russian multimillionaires went head to head at the ‘Kitch’ nightclub, to see which one of them could run up the highest bar bill. In just three hours, after copious amounts of ridiculously expensive bubbly, they were presented with a joint bill for £131,058.61, which put one of them only slightly ahead. However, the club manager is anxious to trace the pair, as a packet of pork scratchings was omitted from their bill.

An intoxicated cab customer, in New York, ended his late-night binge in jail after assaulting the driver by hitting him with a half-eaten cheeseburger and urinated in the cab. The driver was quite philosophical, saying it was one of the hazards of working into the wee hours.

The practice of complete strangers convening at beauty spots for casual liaisons has reared its ugly head in Elmbridge, an exclusive area of Surrey, which is home to celebrities and sportsman alike. Apparently discarded items, such as lingerie, explicit adult magazines and intimate accessories, litter the area in the aftermath. Weedkiller’s Raving Reporter interviewed a local man, who wished to remain anonymous: he told us that he was flabbergasted by some of the items he came across whilst walking his dog. We asked him if he was involved in the cleanup operation, “Oh yes, I am, but one has to be here early or there is nothing left“.

Bye for now, Paul B
P.S. Please keep your comments coming in.