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Hello Possums

OYEZ! OYEZ! Derby’s town criers have been criticized over their exorbitant call out charges.

There now follows a portly political broadcast on behalf of the N.F.H. (No Fracking Here) Party:

Hello good folk of Partridge,
Lord Scottpress here,

I am synthetic to your constellations regaling the distraction of shale gas from areas of upstanding national beatification. As you know if Labour were still in power there would be none of this fracking nonsense as we were more than culpable of producing our own natural gas. Anyway I digest so downwards and side ways. You may join in the fracking debate in the House of Lords but please avoid these times:

Breakfast 7.00-9.30am
Snooze,9.30-10.30am
Morning coffee 10.30am-11.00am
Snooze 11.00am-12.00 noon
Luncheon 12.00 -2.30pm
Snooze 2.30-3.30pm
Afternoon tea 3.30-4.00pm
Official business 4.00-5.00pm
Adjourn to the bar 5.00-7.30pm
Home 7.30pm

Best regards, Lord Scottpress.

Weedkiller’s Horticultural Expert, Maurice Piper, has published his findings on the theory that plants respond positively to outside stimuli. For instance sweet corn has increased yield and vastly improved quality with the introduction of classical music into their growing environment. Maurice told us that Bach, Vivaldi and Chopin were pure music to their ears.

Weedkiller’s Television Watchdog Office have received numerous complaints regarding the outrageous goings on at Downturn Abbey, whereupon a maid was ravished by a visiting valet. One particular lady, who had spent her younger years in service, told us of one occasion, when she had to inform his Lordship that his eldest son Peregrine had taken advantage of her on the billiards table: “Well young lady” came the response “If you take my advice do not play him for money again, until your game has improved“.

The Pontiff donned a firefighter’s helmet, when he encountered the brigade on an impromptu drive around St Peters square in the Popemobile. The Fire Chief told us they were truly humbled to meet such an extinguished person.

Sydney, Australia: A woman spent three hours performing CPR on Chooky Wooky, her blind pet chicken, that was pronounced dead after falling into the family pool. Her perseverance was rewarded as Chooky recovered and appeared none the worst for wear. Her owner told us ”It was a close call we really thought we had lost her, and would have to make alternative arrangements for dinner“.

If one has a few quid burning a hole in one’s pocket one could become the proud owner of a unique instrument with a water tight provenance: Wallace Hartley’s violin. Doesn’t ring a bell? Well this particular violin was being played on the deck of the Titanic by Wallace, who, along with his band, valiantly played on as the unthinkable happened to the unsinkable. They did not join the frantic scramble for the life boats, but carried on until they, along with numerous others, were claimed by the icy waters of the Atlantic. Wallace’s body was plucked from the ocean with the violin strapped to his body. This instrument is the most poignant reminder of the tragedy to come on the market, and is bound to the be the subject of an international bidding frenzy, expected to realize in the region of £300,000-£400.000. But I think it may fetch a wee bit more; I’ll let you know.

The death of Yo Ming Yo was announced today; he was a vociferous campaigner of contraception in China, where he thought that two children per family should be the limit among poorer families. He is survived by his wife, Min Yin Glo, and their seventeen children.

Our Illustration Executive is attending an auction in Bournemouth this weekend, where he is bidding on Mahatma Ghandi’s sandals, so there probably won’t be any pics. Good luck, Peter.

Bye for now.Paul B.

Illustrator’s note: Fortunately t’internet has reached the far south, and, despite what many think, the roads beyond Birmingham are also tarmacked.