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Hello Possums,

Nuneaton: A drinker was horrified, when he claimed to have discovered around fifty dead flies at the bottom of his bottle of Foster’s lager, purchased from his local Azda store. A spokesperson for the store told us, as a precautionary measure, the supplier will only be using blue bottles in future production.

Cookhill, Redditch: Opportunist thieves have stolen 6,400 tins of baked beans from a Skania lorry parked up overnight whilst the driver slept. Police suspect there may be a connection to an earlier incident where a thousand thick sliced loaves were taken from a Kemp’s bakery delivery van.

The strange world of ‘The Furrys’ is no more evident than in Pittsburg, USA, where a select group of people prefer to don animal costumes and act accordingly. One such devotee, Gary Matthews, lives most of the time as a dog, wearing a big fluffy outfit; he drinks from a bowl on the floor, chases cats and sleeps in a kennel. Fortunately he is house trained and is regularly taken on a lead for walks in the park by his wife, who carries a supply of poo bags just in case. Sadly for Gary, a misunderstanding at the vet’s has resulted in major implications, as his wife, who was referring to his seriously matted and tangled outfit, requested that he be de-balled.

It appears that less and less children are convinced of the existence of Father Christmas. This has been highlighted by a recent incident, where a young boy emerged in tears from Santa’s grotto. He told his mother that Santa smelt of stale beer and cigarettes. The boy’s mother demanded to see the store manager, who was very apologetic. He asked Jimmy what had upset him, Jimmy said that “Santa smelt of stale beer and cigarettes, just like Dad, when he comes home from the pub, and he had a silly beard, just like the man who comes round when Dad is on nights”. At this his Mother said, “Come along now Jimmy, you’ve wasted enough of this nice man’s time already.“

Hythe, Hampshire: Investigators, trying to pinpoint the cause of an annoying humming sound, which begins around ten pm every evening and has caused some residents to move house and others to suffer sleepless nights, have ruled out a nearby power plant and are convinced that the culprit is the midshipman fish which inhabits nearby rivers. Apparently the droning hum is a mating call, and reaches it’s peak as competition increases among the males. Weedkiller’s Wildlife Expert, who took part in the quest, was asked why he thought that the Midshipman fish hummed in this courting ritual, “Elementary old chap” he replied “It’s because they don’t know the words”.

Two local men have been arrested after a homemade device exploded in Midsommer Norton, the inspiration for ‘Midsommer Murders’. Local police said that, if everybody hadn’t been murdered already, there could have been numerous fatalities.

An American company are marketing ‘Shreddies’, a unique advancement in the underwear market. Manufactured from Zorflex, a filtration agent used in the manufacture of chemical warfare suits, the unibriefs are guaranteed to neutralize any unpleasant odours resulting from the emission of natural gas. The highly complex carbon is reactivated on washing, and will provide unlimited protection especially in confined spaces. Weedkiller’s Consumer Watchdog Department got wind of this breakthrough and was informed that the next phase in their development will be to incorporate soundproofing.

Kadir Nurman, a Turkish immigrant credited with the inventing the doner kebab, has died in Germany, where he set up his first stall in West Berlin in 1972. More than 16,000 outlets now exist in Germany alone. As a mark of respect there will be a minute’s silence at midnight tonight at pubs and nightclubs across the country.

Weedkiller’s Book Reviewer has recommended a recent publication entitled “The History of Super Glue”. He described it as a super informative read and just couldn’t put it down.

Bye for now Paul B.