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Hello Possums,

Well, if the weather on November the fifth 1605 was anything like we have at present, I think old Guido Fawkes and his co conspirators may have abandoned their attempt to blow Parliament to kingdom come, and retired to the nearest ale house.

A good-hearted couple, who rescued two battery hens, Margo and Valerie, have commissioned a bespoke tailor in Bournemouth to supply them with pulletovers to stave off the Winter chills. The lady told us that ‘chilli chicken‘ was definitely off the menu.

A house on Bishop’s Avenue, know locally as ‘Billionaires Row‘ is to be demolished by a north London Council, and will be replaced by a property containing: 21 bedrooms, 14 bathrooms, 12 reception rooms, an orangery and one and a half acres of garden. The basement will contain parking, swimming pool, sauna, billiards room, cinema and bowling alley. The new residents, Roger Doolittle and his partner Chanterelle, and their 38 children, have been demanding a bigger council house for some time. Roger, who is long term unemployed, suffers from panic attacks, … especially when passing job centers. He told us, that they had to manage on £2,000 benefits a month, “How the taxpayers expect us to manage beggars belief“. Chanterelle, who is expecting their 39th child, said “I got pregnant when I was thirteen, even though Roger was taking the morning after pill”. Her first pregnancy produced quadruplets, which she named after wines: Red, White, Rosé and House. Her next pregnancy produced twins, and nearly caused them to split up, because Roger accused her of being unfaithful, as they had only been intimate once on the night of conception. She told us that hopefully there will be televisions in the bathrooms so that she can watch the ‘soaps‘ and a McDonald’s restaurant in the grounds of the house. They are presently considering offers to appear on the ’Jeremy Kyle Show‘.

Susan Boyle and Elvis will be singing a version of ‘O come all ye faithful’ for Christmas release. The great man himself will be represented by a hologram. Susan shot to stardom after appearing on a talent show. Despite numerous offers of marriage, she has remained faithful to her first love, Lance.

Master-baker, Paul Hollywood, is enjoying great success with his one man show, which features demonstrations and audience participation, etc. Of course some of his more enthusiastic fans have been bombarding him with their crusty bloomers.

McDonald’s restaurant chain are ending their long association with Heinz Ketchup, and are seeking a healthier alternative to accompany their latest ‘meal deal’, consisting of a triple Big Mac, large fries, onion rings, a double McFlurrie with fudge sauce and a large coke. Patrons are rather hoping that the resultant savings will enable them to supply plastic forks.

Well done to our little Halloween ‘Trick or Treaters’: extremely polite and well attired for the occasion, although some of the older ones are pushing their luck a bit.

An Australian woman has failed in her bid for industrial injuries compensation, after being hit on the head by a light fitting during intimacy in a motel room. The tribunal rejected her claim that she had suffered the injuries during ‘on the job training‘.

Is your precious teddy bear yearning for warmer climes? Is your panda a wee bit homesick? Don’t worry, help is at hand: ‘Unagi Holidays’, a Japanese travel agency, will whisk your furry loved ones off on the holiday of a lifetime to far flung destinations. You will receive regular postcards, and your loved ones will be pampered beyond belief. … … … Alternatively you can dump the tatty old thing in the bin and go yourself.

A toilet-themed Taiwanese restaurant has opened in Los Angeles. Customers dine whilst sat on toilets; eat and drink from miniature lavatory bowls and urinals. Toilet tissue is used in loo of napkins. Local competitors have poo poo’d the concept, describing it as just a flush in the pan.

Bye for now Paul B.