PARWICH.ORG

Hello Possums,

As you are probably aware, due to a lightning strike by Weedkiller’s Technical Support Team, we were unable to go to press last week: their main demand being to have Xmas day off with pay. Outrageous!

We must apologize for the delay in responding to the deluge of congratulatory comments on our first anniversary, but our PR man insists on answering each one personally.

We suffered another setback, when Grog Wallace turned down our offer to join our Food Columnists, saying that he would rather eat in one of his own restaurants than work for us.

Our Entertainment Department have been made privy to the B.B.C ‘s festive season of repeats:

Due to cuts, the Queen’s Christmas Day speech to the Nation will be repeated from last year; and the Alan Titsmarch Xmas special with Alan Titsmarch will include Alan Titsmarch and special guest Alan Titsmarch.

Remembrance Sunday saw our ‘old-contemptible’, Colin Sims K.F.C, M.F.I, D.F.S & Bar, do a sterling job of laying the wreath, even though the shrapnel in his wallet was particularly painful at the time. Colin wrote much of Churchill’s rousing material, including the motor insurance adverts.

Lord Prescott has graciously agreed to switch on the Parwich Legion’s Xmas Lights, with egg flip and punch on arrival.

Pippa’s guide to royal etiquette for guests:

• do not slurp your soup
• do not feed the corgi’s under the table
• no cracking nuts with your teeth
• do not hog the sprouts
• do not pick her Majesty’s favourites from the Quality Street
• after a little nap the royals like a game of musical thrones and scrabble, under no circumstances should any of her Majesty’s words be disallowed
• Prince Charles will refuse to play draughts because he gets fed up of waiting for a crown
• and finally do not keep the staff engaged until after midnight, they are entitled to a Christmas as well you know.

Princess Anne has advocated the consumption of horse meat in the interests of animal welfare, saying “It’s jolly tasty, the only tough part being the saddle”.

Did anyone happen to see Cliff ‘the Peter Pan of Pop’ on television? He has been supping from the chalice of eternal youth; he still has his milk teeth and is just beginning to show the first signs of acne, whilst his old backing group are mere shadows of their former selves.

Prince Charles’s recommended Xmas read:

• “Things for One to do whilst One is waiting to get on the Throne.”

Great news ‘Black Adder’ may be returning to our screens some time soon; the first episode will follow the fortunes of 87 year old private Wilton who lied about his age to enlist in the first world war.

Parwich Legion had a surprise visit from a thirsty group of ventriloquists on a pub crawl on Friday night. By 9.30pm they had drunk every gottle of geer in the place.

Bar any unforeseen circumstances Weedkiller should return to some sense of normality, whatever that is, next week.

Bye for now Paul B.