PARWICH.ORG

Hello Possums.

We know that the approaching festive season is a difficult time for Welsh ex-pats in Parwich, as the dew kissed valleys lament for their lost children, the deeply moving harmonies of The Welsh Male Voice Choir, images of coal miners emerging raven black and weary from the bowels of the earth, the golden daffodils, the spring lambs frolicking in the emerald meadows. But fear not, help is at hand to assuage your nostalgia in the form of Kevin Beresford’s calendar ‘The Fast Disappearing Red Telephone Boxes Of Wales‘. Kevin also produced this year’s calendar ‘The Roundabouts Of Britain‘, riveting eh!.

Master baker Paul Hollywood said that he has lost all feeling in his hands from making too much dough.

The Duchess of Cambridge, on a recent visit to a charity for ex offenders, was presented with a baby vest by a former burglar; she said “How delightful, did you nick this yourself?“.

Did you know that there are a dedicated bunch who scrutinise television and films, in the hope of discovering some mistakes, especially historical dramas such as ‘Downton Abbey‘, where diners have been seen using the wrong fork for their soup and other breaches of etiquette? The recent film ‘Gravity’ has had one or two picked up by ex-astronauts and the like. For instance Sandra Bullock would not have been tumbling around weightless in designer underwear, she would have been wearing a N.A.S.A issue diaper. But I wouldn’t dwell on that one too much.

His Holiness Pope Francis is apparently an accomplished chef with paella being his speciality. Summer barbecues are also a particular favourite, with white smoke rising from the coals when the food is ready for his guests.

Argentinian Richard Torres, a passionate environmentalist, has tied the knot with a tree. He placed symbolic offerings, exchanged rings and hugged and kissed his blushing bride, singing ‘I only have eyes for yew‘. His mother said, he was barking mad, and as soon as a pretty sapling came along he’d be off like a shot.

Ian Hislop and Paul Merton are to open a strip joint in Soho called ‘Have we got nudes for you’.

The U.K’s largest casino is risking controversy by recruiting dwarves as bouncers for their latest venture. Apparently there are seven likely candidates on the short list already.

The Health and Safety Gestapo have attempted to bring the curtain down on yet another age old English tradition: The Britannia Coconut Men or Nutters. They black up wear skirts and dance at the Lancashire town of Bacup. There have even been infiltrators reporting back on the 150 year old festival, which is held on Easter Sunday. Apparently they may only continue if they pay for road closures e.t.c. Why don’t these busy bodies go to Afghanistan where there are some serious health and safety issues.

In India, thousands upon thousands of red bottomed rhesus macaques are invading the cities in search of food, as their habitat is being swallowed up by urban sprawl. Officials are looking into methods of contraception to curb the population. Castration is a possible remedy, but the monkeys are very fond of their nuts. Morning after pills would be impossible to administer, so at the moment there is no solution. The female’s rear end becomes redder and redder as her fertility reaches a peak, as one unlucky resident, who is extremely short sighted, suffered a nasty bite after attempting to apply sun burn lotion to what he believed to be his wife’s bottom, but it turned out to be a monkey that had climbed into their bed and fallen asleep.

Bye For Now Paul B.