PARWICH.ORG

Hello Santa’s Little Helpers.

A church in Neath, South Wales, is using a real donkey for Mary to ride, in their annual nativity play. Pretty straightforward you may think. Oooooooh no! Enter stage left …  Yes, you’ve guessed it, the ‘health & safety’ brigade’: little Mary must don a crash helmet for the hazardous gallop to the byre. Her steed is Exocet Enid, a retired Blackpool donkey with a fiery streak in her veins. Of course ‘The Magi’ must wear high vis vests, their camels are to have hazard lights and indicators. Any adults involved in the production will be required to take a CRB check. The byre should pass fire safety inspection, a fully equipped postnatal team will be on standby and strictly no photographs allowed.

Weedkiller’s Television & Film Critic was appalled at the poor standard of the Royal Variety Performance recently; “third rate entertainment” he grumbled. Poor old Camilla was mistaken for Dame Edna, and Prince Charles had gone missing but was eventually found in the foyer talking to the plants.

Now fair warning, next time you are corking around Buckingham Palace keep your sticky fingers of Her Majesty’s Bombay Mix. Apparently the Palace security team have been helping themselves to Ones favorite spicy snacks. The Queen has craftily marked the bowls to monitor the situation, so be warned.

Is your hubby a high performance car enthusiast with a sweet tooth? Well look no further for that extra special Xmas prezzie. Available now is a full size replica sports car, made entirely of chocolate by the famous company Ferrari Roche.

The Australian entertainer Digger Kelly, known back home as the human boomerang, on his comeback tour of Britain, was thrown out of the Horns Pub in Ashbourne seventeen times, on Saturday night for being drunk and disorderly.

Great news for Costa Coffee fans, you will be able to sip your latte’s and cappuccinos in a Cliff free environment, as the chain have banned ‘Mistletoe and Wine’ from being played in all their outlets this Christmas.

The Derbyshire Time Travelers’ Club held their annual Xmas Luncheon at a local hotel recently. The guest of honour was Dr Hu, the celebrated Chinese time researcher. The president said that, although the food was quite acceptable, it wasn’t a patch on next year’s.

Scientists are conducting experiments to ascertain the feasibility of frying chips in conditions of reduced gravity, such as on the Moon or Mars. Up to now the chips have cooked to perfection in half the time. Weedkiller’s Food Writer was invited to the tasting, and declared them out of this world.

Now it does seem that people, carried away in the tsunami of Xmas indulgence and the orgy of spending and merry making, have lost sight of the true meaning of Christmas. So join with me, put down your liqueur chocks, the mulled wine, take a break from wrapping all those expensive presents and spare a thought for those not as fortunate as us. There that’s that over with, don’t you feel better?.

The Editor and Staff would like to take this opportunity to wish our reader a very merry Xmas and a happy New Year, with special thanks to Peter T, our Illustration Executive, and to everybody else involved in this nonsense. We will be resuming in January 2014.

Cheers everyone, Paul B