PARWICH.ORG

Hello Possums,

Everyone survived? Good. I bet those New Year resolutions are tumbling like wheat before the scythe.

Her Majesty the Queen broke with tradition after the Christmas service at Sandringham by declining to accept flowers from well wishers, including a ten year old boy who had traveled fifty miles with his parents. The reason being that One did not want to be late for One’s Xmas luncheon, as last year the vichyssoise was stone cold, when the Royals finally sat down to luncheon.

Father Christmas brought Prince Andrew a Royal Monopoly set, where one pays much more than the properties are worth, and with a golf club (St Andrews). Prince Edward got a Royal Marines Action Man set, but soon tired of them and back in the box they went. Prince Charles got a book of nursery rhymes to read to his seedlings at bedtime.

The ever-so-grand Kents left their Robin Reliant parked on double yellow lines outside a trendy Italian restaurant in Chelsea, North London, for an hour and a half, whilst having lunch over Christmas, without incurring a penalty. Jolly good luck. Eh!

Now if you are still regretting the opportunity to purchase Tracy Emin’s work of art, ‘The unmade bed’, I’m afraid you have missed the boat again, as the Tate Modern has purchased the sculpture entitled ‘S–T’, by the Mexican artist Abraham Villegas, for £16,000. The taxpayer funded gallery describes it as a creation of sheep dung, plaster, cardboard, steel and wood. They have also parted with £229,000 of your hard earned cash for a work of art by Cuban Felix Gonzalez Torrez made from two light bulbs, a light socket and cable. Got any old rubbish knocking about? Then get cracking; fame and fortune could be just around the corner.

A Victorian lavatory block in Sleaford, Lincs has been earmarked for conversion into a natural history museum, featuring prehistoric bones, fossils and artefacts excavated from around the county. But not everyone is convinced, including local Terry Dactyle who said “This is an inconvenience of mammoth proportions, and I intend to raise the matter at the next council sitting”.

86 year old widower Johnny Orris won a trip to the ‘Bunny Ranch Brothel’ in Nevada, USA, after his family entered him into the “I want my Grandpa to get laid competition” featured on the Howard Stern Show. Unfortunately the excitement proved too much for Johnny, who choked to death, whilst eating a jumbo steak meant to fortify him for the coming event. His son Jerry said “It’s very sad, Dad was so excited, but life is a lottery after all and dad was robbed of his lucky dip.“

Weedkiller Weekly’s newshound has managed to procure a copy of a form filled out by a arriving job seeker from the EU, which attempts to form a profile on the man regarding his personal details and knowledge of his new country of residence:

• Q. What is the Union Jack?
  A. My name is not Jack.
• Q. Do you realize that immigration is a big issue in Great Britain?
  A. Yes, would you like to buy one?
• Q. Do you know where Her Majesty the Queen lives?
  A. Coronation Street?
• Q. When did you leave school?
  A. Half past three in the afternoon.
• Q. Do you own any assets in your native country?
  A. No, only two old mules.
• Q. Did you travel alone to the U.K?.
  A. No, there were 52 of us on the bus plus 2 drivers.
• Q. Do you possess a reasonable command of the English language?
  A. Oui.
• Q. On what foundation do you believe our government is built?
  A. Granite?
• Q. Do you have any dependants?
  A. Only alcohol.
• Q. Do you smoke?
  A. Yes, please.

Sadly the death was announced today of Pierre Le Pomme, the world renowned gateaux and trifle maker, whose creations were treasured by the rich and famous. His family told us that they were expecting hundreds and thousands at the funeral service in Paris later next week.

That’s all folks.
Happy New Year, Paul B.