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Hello Possums,

Well, what a cruel twist of fate for the Labour party, as the intrepid Ed Millipede donned his brand new Pound Shop wellies, and, assuming his ‘I am most concerned expression‘, waded out into the swirling flood waters to experience the misery of thousands for himself. Alas, as Ed prepared for the photo shoot, he disappeared from sight under the water. Despite a combined rescue effort by the emergency services, the search had to be abandoned after five minutes due to the treacherous conditions.

Puerto Rico: Mourners, attending the wake of a murdered middleweight boxer at a local funeral home, were taken aback to see him posed upright in the corner of a makeshift boxing ring, wearing a yellow hood, sun glasses and his signature blue gloves. His grieving mother sobbed, as she told Weedkiller’s Raving Reporter that her son was shot dead by hoodlums, and this was his final wish. Wiping away the tears, she said “It’s terribly sad, but it is so nice to see him on his feet for a change“.

Social circles are abuzz with rumours that Miss Piggy is on the verge of trotting up the matrimonial path. Weedkiller’s Social Correspondent asked Miss Piggy if Kermit the frog was the lucky man.

“WHAT! are you crazy” she squealed “Do you think for one minute that I would marry that Muppet“.

Australian police are urgently seeking an armed person in a clown outfit, who has been threatening locals. Police have drafted in Bill Abonga, an expert Aboriginal tracker, who was soon on the case, saying that someone, leaving such huge footprints, should be easy to trace in the bush.

Nigeria: Police, acting on a tip off, arrested the staff and proprietor of a local restaurant, suspected of serving human flesh to customers. The manager denied all knowledge, despite two human heads being discovered in a fridge. Forensic teams removed finger bowls for examination. Disgruntled diners were forced to abandon their food; one saying “It’s such a pity, we were having a ball“. The head chef said they were paying an arm and a legto a corrupt prison official, who supplied them with the corpses of executed prisoners. “Right or wrong” said the chef “The meat was certainly well hung“.

Beaumont, Texas: State Troopers, responding to an emergency call, were confronted by a man dressed in a banana costume wielding an assault rifle. Fortunately the situation was diffused, when it turned out that the man was promoting the opening of a new gun store. The police gave him a warning and told him to split.

Four footballers from Iran’s women’s national team have been suspended, because, despite undergoing sex change procedures, they are still technically men. Their manager told us that they would be reinstated once they had lost their tackle.

Breaking news … In an effluent area of Barcelona, a woman, using the rest rooms of a local bar, suffered burns and cuts to her legs after the lavatory she was sat on exploded, due to a build up of methane from a poorly maintained septic tank being ignited by static electricity. The manager tried to play down the incident by claiming that it was just a flash in the pan.

George Clooney is getting a little carried away by his latest role, where he, and a specially selected group, rescue art works looted by the Nazis. Donning the mantle of champion of the antiquities repatriation movement, he has outraged Boris Johnson by suggesting that Britain hand back the Elgin marbles to Greece. He said to Boris “Why on earth are you making so much fuss, you never play with them anymore“.

Bye for now, Paul B.