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Hello Possums,

Escapee sighted in Derbyshire: A six foot tall wild bird, native to Australia, with lethal claws and the capability of reaching a speed 45mph, may be in the vicinity of Parwich. A local man claims to have spotted the bird in his rhea view mirror whilst driving into the village on Friday.

An opportunity has arisen within the Royal Household for someone capable of specialist antique cleaning and a willingness to travel to the numerous royal households around the country. A salary of £14,400 is up for grabs, which includes food and accommodation. Job seeker, Prince Edward, has already submitted his C.V.

Is flat pack fever gripping you? Are you desperate to visit IKEA? If you do, please resist the temptation to tuck into their Swedish meatballs. The resultant gastric effects of the 150 million portions consumed annually are contributing carbon emissions equivalent to 3 million passengers flying from London to Sweden creating a huge contribution to global warming. However environmental friendly meatballs are in the pipeline, and with a prevailing wind should be available by summer. Rissoles you might say, but it’s absolutely true.

Weedkiller’s Raving Reporter has recently returned from Brazil, where he was investigating the recent discovery of an 1/8 inch cave dwelling insect, which defies normal reproductive habits, whereupon the female penetrates the male to extract sperm and nutrients. Once locked in embrace, the insects are practically impossible to separate and copulation can last from 40-70 hours. (However whilst proof reading his report, I noticed that, based on his own experiences, our Raving Reporter had mistakenly written 40-70 seconds.)

The Adventure Island Theme Park in Essex are introducing a stringent dress code. Apparently, heavily tattooed, rowdy, topless, beer-bellied visitors are not presenting the Park in a favourable light. If the new rules prove successful the policy will also be extended to male visitors.

An Exeter man has appeared in court, charged with having sex in a charity shop. 78 year old spinster, Nellie Prim, who has worked at the shop for 35 years, underwent the terrible ordeal after the man asked to try on some trousers. Nellie told our reporter that the man ravished her twice in the changing rooms after she went to check on his progress. Our man asked, how it came about that she was ravished twice; she told him, after the first time he forced himself upon her, he asked her if she would kindly bring the matching jacket for him to try on, and had his wicked way with her again.

Prince George finally said farewell to Australia and New Zealand, bearing gifts galore, including a kangaroo backpack, a giant cuddly wombat, a rocking horse, a ‘wild child on board‘ car sticker, a customized skateboard, a complete signed boxed set of ‘Crocodile Dundee’ DVDs, a flying helmet lined with possum fur and a stuffed emu. Alas, the airport security staff, who were scanning the items as they passed along the conveyor belt, told his parents that he would only be able to take home the ones that he could remember.

Now cobbers, before you crack open your first tinnie and fire up the old barbie, just time for some invaluable advice from Waitrose’s own food guru Pippa Middleton. Getting the pattie and the bun just right is most important: the mince 20% fat and seasoned prior to cooking. Well don’t just stand there get cracking.

The owners of a farm shop in North Yorkshire were dumbfounded when one of two camels they own gave birth to a bouncing baby boy. Not too unusual you might think, but Doris has not been near a male for over a year. Some sceptics are claiming it is an immaculate deception, whilst others hail it as the second coming and insist that the baby be named Jesus 2.

Don’t forget folks, inside next week’s Royal Tour Souvenir glossy magazine is a newspaper.

Bye for now Paul B.