Hello Possums,
Police Officers, acting on a tip off, locked staff inside the Crown Pub in Lea, whilst they conducted a search of the premises in the hope of finding the Holy Grail or Nanteos Cup (a crudely carved wooden vessel believed to have been used at the Last Supper). The cup, which is claimed to have been brought to England by St Joseph of Arimathea, was stolen in a raid on a house in Weston-Under-Penyardin, Herefordshire. However the search was in vain, and the police left empty handed. The Pub’s landlady, Di Franklin, denied any knowledge of the whereabouts of the missing relic, saying “Christ only knows where it is“.
As the humanitarian crisis deepened in Iraq, our illustrious world leaders faced some tough decisions recently: David Cameron could not decide which fish to choose at the Portuguese fish market, and Barack Obama was unsure which club to select for a tricky chip shot onto the green at the Martha’s Vineyard golf course, where he is on holiday.
A brilliant star has gone out over Tinsletown with the sad demise of Robin Williams, yet another tragic genius who decided to call it a day. The best comedy of all is spontaneous and cannot be taught, the ability to make people laugh is a God given talent. Alas some comedians, like clowns, adopt a unique persona on stage, but, once the foot lights have faded and the audience has gone, all that is left is a Pandoras box brimming with personal demons. Like everything else, laughter comes at a price, and a very high price at that in this case.
The normally amicable annual hen racing at Bonsall recently has taken a sinister turn with over zealous owners adopting fair means and fowl to coax their birds to the winning post. The 100 year old tradition is now attracting far eastern betting syndicates, laying huge bets in the hope of making a killing. This year’s winner, Road Runner, a Rhode Island Red, was spurred on with the promise of some juicy meal worms. Although some entrants were tested for banned substances such as caffeine soaked pellets and other stimulants, the event was most enjoyable and people are already scrambling to enter their chickens in next year’s event.
Our working class hero, come eco-warrior, Lord Prezza has just completed a round the world all expenses paid lecture tour, where he has been expounding on climate change and harmful emissions. He now plans to join a stand up comedian on stage at the Labour party conference. Strange, because I always thought that Ed Milliband preferred to perform alone.
Much to the chagrin of other inmates, Rolf Harris has been given the cushy number of tending to the vegetable garden at the open prison, where he is currently serving out his sentence. He will not, however, be allowed access to the nursery.
Weedkiller’s Raving Reporter was privy to the unveiling of Japan’s latest and most convincing latex Dutch doll yet. Our reporter, who incidentally is no stranger to the ins and outs of this highly lucrative niche market, said that the doll, costing in the region of a thousand pounds, is virtually indistinguishable from the real thing, and can be customized to individual preferences such as hair style and colour, eyes, vital statistics, etc. The doll can be posed in any position and comes complete with an array of sensual lingerie. One of the first customers was asked the obvious question that, although the doll is a very compliant partner in most respects, it could not perform household tasks such as cooking, cleaning and washing. “No problem” the man exclaimed “My wife does all that stuff“.
Speaking from his vineyard in Portugal, Sir Cliff Richard told Weedkiller’s Raving Reporter that he is totally innocent of any past wrongdoings and that is just a typical case of sour grapes.
Tenders are being invited for the supply of five thousand pairs of running shoes for the Iraqi national army.
Bye for now Paul B.
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