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Hello Possums,

Och aye the ‘noos’ have it; Scotch Bonnets soared high into the chilli autumnal air, as the results of the referendum were announced, confirming a positive rejection of independence. A resigned Alex Salmond conceded defeat. Gordon Broon produced a jaw dropping animated performance, providing a welcome boost for the ‘noos’. With heavy hearts the freedom fighters, sensing defeat adopted a new slogan before drowning their sorrows: ‘Bitter Together’. However the proceedings did not go without any hiccups, especially in ‘The Mary Queen Of Scotch’ bar in Glasgow, where passions were running high, as the ‘ayes’ took the vote. Things got a wee bit hairy in The Trossach’s for a while, where things could have swung either way. Consultants and staff at Edinburgh’s incontinence clinic, which relies solely on English funding for research, celebrated well into the ‘wee’ hours following the ‘noos‘ victory. Ed Milliband vastly underestimated his popularity in Scotland, as cheering supporters bore him shoulder high through the streets of Glasgow, before unceremoniously dumping him in the River Clyde. There were a fair number of abstainers, but the majority of people had a good few bevvies afterwards.

The Vatican’s cricket team recently recited the ‘Lord’s Prayer’ before receiving a blessing from Pope Francis, prior to their trip to England to take on the Anglican XI, as well as a team fielded by the Queen at Windsor Castle. The team captain, Father W C Grace, told Weedkiller’s Sport’s Correspondent that this was the first trip abroad when they were actually praying for the runs.

David Greenham has won the world garlic eating competition, chomping his way through 33 raw Iberian garlic cloves in 60 seconds, just one short of the all time world record. He will be having one or two celebratory drinks on his own tonight.

A Funeral director, named Bob Dyer, has won the coveted ‘Embalmer of the year Award’. Mr Dyer, from Warwickshire, received his award at ‘The Inter-national Death Show’ in Birmingham. Unfortunately due to a sudden attack of nerves, Bob corpsed, and was unable to make his acceptance speech. However, after a few stiff drinks, Bob had recovered his composure and settled down to enjoy an evening’s entertainment with comedy duo ‘Rigor & Mortis‘.

James Bond buffs were recently treated to an exclusive preview of the latest 007 film, Dr Maybe being filmed at Pinewood studios. The scene opens with Bond enjoying his favourite, Martini, seated at the bar of a ritzy titzy cocktail bar.

Enter stunning blonde:

“Hi James, so sorry I’m late”.
“Thatsch OK”, says Bond, consulting his watch.
“Wow James that is a very impressive time piece”.
“Yesch, Q gave it to me thisch morning for a schpecial mischion. Its brischtling with the latescht technology: it’s even capable of telepathy”.
“Okay James, what’s going on in my mind then?”.
”Letsch see now, ah yes according to the watch you are not actually wearing any knickersch”.
“Bad luck James. It’s back to the drawing board, I’m actually wearing some black lacy ones”.
Bond consults his watch again, “Damn, it’sch twenty minutes fascht”.

A one armed man has been informed that he would only be eligible for a disabled parking permit, if he lost another limb. Apparently new rules, brought in by Middlesborough Council, eligibility requires ‘severe disability in both arms or a permanent or substantial disability that causes extreme difficulty in walking‘, excluding excessive alcohol consumption. Ron Sowerby was appalled by his treatment, saying that it would effectively cost him an arm and a leg to obtain his permit.

Chichester, West Sussex: The body of a dead lion was discovered in the freezer of a restaurant during a routine inspection by an environmental health officer. The corpse was stored with food intended for human consumption. The proprietor claimed that the lion had been donated by a local zoo to provide food for his dog. The inspector believed that the man was lion through his teeth, and the restaurant had been doing a roaring trade serving up the meat for mane courses. The owner has since swallowed his pride and admitted liability.

The Royals are sea-king an aircraft captain to join the Queen’s Helicopter Flight. The successful applicant must have a flexible approach; a comprehensive knowledge of the country’s golf courses would be distinct advantage. the position carries a salary of £78,500, and all the associated benefits of working for ‘The Firm’.

Bye for noo, Paul B.