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Hello Possums,

Right Ladies, it’s bio-chemical warfare. Conkers have one of the strongest moth repelling aromas, and in the process of drying out emit a gas which kills off moths and their larvae. In order to be effective the conkers must be fresh, and it is recommended that new ones are placed in your drawers every few weeks or so.

Her Majesty the Queen is seeking a person with a passion for upholstery to fill the post of ‘Senior Restorer’. The successful applicant will be responsible for the 30,000 or so items of sofas and chairs scattered around the various royal properties. A comprehensive knowledge furniture, spanning 300 years, would be a distinct advantage, although it is highly unlikely that anyone could live that long. Previous applicants can get stuffed.

Lord Prezza was, in typical style, left with egg on his face after confusing ‘the bedroom tax’ for ‘the breakfast tax’. Easy to see where his thoughts lie.

Right Gentlemen, looking for that unique Xmas gift for your precious? Look no further, for a mere £20,000, she could be be sporting a pair of Queen Victoria’s voluminous bloomers and chemise. These sensual items have not seen the light of day for 75 years, and were languishing forgotten in a drawer. Never mind Twister and Charades, with sweetie pie modelling this kit, it will be off up the apples and pears before you can say ‘Royal Albert Hall’. As the Old Gal produced nine children, and was particularly fond of the old how’s yer father, it’s more than likely that they were more off than on.

Now Ladies, are you getting in a lather over stuffing turkeys, prepping mountains of veg and donning your marigolds for a mammoth washing up session? Fret not, The Duck Inn of Worcestershire is coming to your rescue. Their ‘belly buster Xmas Dinner‘ consists of a whole turkey, 25 roast potatoes, 25 roast parsnips, 25 stuffing balls, 25 pigs in blankets, 25 honey roast carrots, 25 broccoli and cauliflower florets, a pint of gravy and cranberry sauce; in all a healthy 6,000 calories. If any of your hungry brood can put this to bed in 45 minutes, they will receive a t-shirt and a diploma. Don’t forget to leave a wee space for some Xmas pud and brandy butter. It’s a cracker, so it is.

It would appear that the Brits are quite reluctant to let bygones be bygones as far as the Germans are concerned. A ground breaking radio programme will highlight the profound pro British sentiments of modern day Germany. As a gesture of goodwill and reconciliation, a British delegation were the honoured guests at a banquet held at a five star hotel in Germany recently. However, there were a number of polite notices requesting that British guests refrain from occupying the seats with beach towels draped over them. A splendid mousseline was served up as a second course, which prompted a German delegate to inquire of the man seated next to him “Und vot do you call this fine fish in England my friend?”. To which a voice shouted out from a nearby table, “Don’t tell him, Pike”.

A Columbian woman, Desiree Moore, was convinced that, according to an old wives tale, the insertion of a potato in a certain part of her anatomy would serve as an effective form of contraception. However, following a medical procedure, the spud in question was removed due to the fact that it had begun to sprout inside her. Fortunately the story had a happy ending: the woman suffered no long term adverse effects, and in fact gave birth to a healthy baby boy, who is the chitting image of her husband, you could say a chip off the old block.

Our national institution, Jeremy Clarkson, complete with colleagues and crew, were forced into beating a hasty retreat from Argentina, as a hostile mob, who had interpreted the lettering on the number plates of one of their cars as being a slur referring to their invasion of The Falklands, threatened their safety. As a gesture of good will Jeremy removed the GB bumper stickers, before being forced to abandon the vehicles.

Join S.O.D.A. today (Sick Of Downton Abbey).

Bye for now, Paul B.