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Hello Possums,

Well the first signs of winter have arrived: the tins of Roses and Quality Street chocolates in the stores are piled higher than Simon Cowell’s ego. The DFS sale is getting underway; guaranteed delivery for Xmas. Ho! Ho! Ho! Pay nothing for ten years, then interest free credit forever.

Ghostly whispers are swirling around the ancient twisting cobwebbed nooks and crannies and spiral staircases of ‘Hogwarts’ suggesting that Harry Potter may be mounting his magic broomstick once again to combat the dark forces. His broomstick will now of course be classed as a mobility aid and qualify for tax relief.

The Black Lion pub in Kent has come under fire for displaying a notice to the effect that, to avoid accident or injury to your child, whilst the little angel is rampaging through the pub out of control, a member of staff will be only to pleased to nail the darling little poppet to your table for the duration of your visit. Absolutely outrageous, don’t you think?

Paul Weiner, aged 70 and still going strong, was New York’s first male stripper, and still revels in getting his kit off whilst rattling off his signature tune ‘My Ding-A-Ling‘ on the piano. Paul is the self proclaimed ‘King Of Bare Ass Boogie’, and has been arraigned 60 times for his somewhat lewd performance, but has been acquitted every time. However, he did have a very close shave some years ago, when a waiter crashed into his piano whilst conveying a flaming crepe suzette to a customer’s table, which almost resulted in Paul changing his signature tune to ‘Goodness Gracious Great Balls Of Fire’.

City dwellers, who keep more than one cat, are cruel, according to a recent survey. The ‘Cat Watch’ programme, due to be screened soon, will highlight the stress on confined cats, compared to their rural counterparts who can roam at will, hunt and claim their personal territories. Also families are advised against keeping single rabbits as pets as they suffer from loneliness and anxiety, but the introduction of a rabbit of the opposite sex usually means that they won’t be lonely for long.

A rather tipsy young Spanish Senorita became pregnant by a dwarf stripper on her hen night after being egged on by her friends. Her new husband was under the impression that the little bundle of joy on the way was his, but the deception came to light when she gave birth to a baby with dwarfism. The father, who goes by the stage name of ‘Little and Large‘, has been sacked by the ‘Full Monty’ entertainment agency, even though dwarves are in short supply. Apparently, in desperation, she resorted to the morning after pill, but he spit it out whilst she wasn’t looking. An expert on the subject told her that with dwarves you have a one in seven chance of becoming pregnant after intimacy.

There were one or two muffled titters and behind hand whispers in the Countdown studio recently after a contestant scored eight points; with his ‘erection‘ using all the letters except for a Q. Rachel Riley told Weedkiller’s Raving Reporter, “We have had the odd orgasms for seven points in past shows, but I don’t believe that this has popped up before, and he got it in under 30 seconds.

Strictly news flash: Gregg Wallace first to go,

The judges verdicts:

Craig: Well Gregg darling, you did rubbish my profiteroles on ‘Celebrity Master Chef’ darling, but never mind that darling, you danced with the fluidity of Dr Frankenstein’s monster darling. And that dreadful outfit darling, I’m afraid it’s back to the bakery for you, Gregg darling.

Len: What can I say Gregg? I think you got a right old attack of the hors d’oevres there me old china plate. I know us East End boys should stick together, but I’m afraid after that performance Gregg, it’s off down the apples and pears for you my son. It’s not a ten from Len, I’m afraid.

Darcey: Oh dear, Gregg. I did hear a backstage whisper that you don’t wear underpants, well maybe you would be more comfortable with ‘The Nutcracker Suite‘ next time.

Bruno: Mama Mia, Gregg. Choo dance like’a Pinocchio with’a lead diving boots on. You look’a like’a you were stamping on’a cockroaches in a cheap’a ‘otel. It’s a bigg’a noooooo from’a me, Gregg.

Tune in soon for the next head to roll.

Bye for’a now, Paul B.