PARWICH.ORG

Hello Possums!  The Weedkiller Weekly consists of genuine news items from far and wide, unlikely as some may seem, with just a little tweak here and there.

The annual “Eat Bugs For Balls” competition recently took place in Deerfield Beach, Florida. Edward Archibald retained his title as undisputed Maggot and Cockroach Eating Champion, winning a python for his efforts. Unfortunately he collapsed in agony shortly after the presentation and could not be revived by paramedics. The state coroner delivered a verdict of death by misadventure, after a post mortem concluded that his death was most likely due to a dodgy hot dog he had eaten prior to the event.

The NHS is having to arrange for morbidly obese patients to undergo body scans at local zoos, as standard hospital equipment cannot cope with them. Other treatments being considered are elongated neck dislocations, Hipposuction, Elephantiasis, Dingowings, Bi-polar Bear Disorder and Ape-endiceptomies.

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Greetings, Guys. If anyone is any doubt as to why thousands upon thousands of pounds’ worth of pyrotechnic wizardry bang, sparkle, crackle and whizz into the night sky at this time of the year, you can safely lay the blame at the feet of Guido Fawkes, who – along with his Catholic buddies – failed in their attempt to blow King James VI and his parliament to kingdom come. Guido was discovered in the cellars below with 36 barrels of gunpowder. As it happened, the gunpowder was virtually useless and probably wouldn’t have even been capable of blowing his hat off. Guido and his fellow conspirators were “persuaded” to plead guilty to treason and were sentenced to be hung, drawn and quartered. Guido flung himself from the scaffold and actually hung himself to avoid this gruesome execution. Bonfires were lit across the land to celebrate the survival of the king.

What a hoot: a lady in Melbourne, Australia is advertising for night time guardians to watch over her whilst she sleeps. Pretty reasonable, you might think – except for the fact that the successful applicants will be expected to dress as owls. There are no meal breaks, but you are allowed a muesli bar if peckish. Three owls are required to work on a rota basis, at £25 per hour. Breakfast will be provided for the early bird, consisting of field mice, voles, frogs, toads and the odd slug or two.

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Ahoy there, landlubbers: remember the cribbage board reputedly owned by Lord Nelson? It brought £1,900, hammer plus buyer’s premium, which I would venture to say guarantees a watertight provenance.

In a quandary about what on earth to buy your friends and relations for Christmas? Fear ye not, for help is at hand in the form of “The Pippa Middleton Xmas Gift Guide for Commoners.” Pippa has vehemently denied exploiting her royal connections to break into this extremely lucrative market. Her merchandise includes: replica royal crowns, fake corgi whoopsies, Duchy of Cornwall luxury hampers, Sandringham Pheasant paté with truffles, ermine-lined House of Windsor wellies, Queen Victoria’s secret lingerie, Duke of Edinburgh Xmas crackers (containing a paper top hat, a Highgrove haggis and a gaffe), signed copies of the ”Princess Anne Book of Hairstyles”, Prince Edward’s ”My Time in the Royal Marines”, Prince Andrew’s ”Budget Travel” and  ”How to Get More for Your House” and Prince Harry’s “A History of the House of Hangover”.

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Following rave notices for last week’s inaugural “Weedkiller Weekly”, PARWICH.ORG once again hands over to village newshound Paul Burlinson, for a roundup of recent news events which you may have missed.

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In a bid to expand our coverage of current affairs, PARWICH.ORG welcomes celebrated comment-box regular Paul Burlinson.

Paul will be providing us with a regular round-up of significant local, national and international events, in his inimitable style which has already won him ardent fans from Ashbourne to Alstonefield, and from Brassington to Biggin.

If you have enjoyed Paul’s comments in the past, then please click through for his first “Weedkiller Weekly”.

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