PARWICH.ORG

(Thanks to Graham for supplying this post.)

The Grand opening of the superb hard play area on Sunday morning was followed by an equally auspicious event in the afternoon – “The Chairman & Presidents day” organized by the Parwich Tennis Club.

Flushed with success playing for the football team in the opening round robin competition in the morning (oh yes, they really were that desperate), Glynis suggested I would be welcome to turn my hand to an equally alien game of tennis in the afternoon for the open competition which marked the club’s Chairman and Presidents competition. Having already lost all sense of reason, and been subject to anaesthetising levels of public humiliation, I figured that there was little left to lose in terms of personal dignity. After all, it was a pretty miserable day, and the highlight left for me on Sunday was a pre-dinner pint of Pedigree or three, so I hastily agreed. After all, I already had my trainers and track suit on, so I didn’t even have to go home to change.

The enthusiastic members of the tennis club convened at 1:15pm to be addressed by one Lt. Col. Linnell (Nia), who explained and subsequently orchestrated the order of events with the usual cool efficiency of an Officer and mother of four. The format of the competition would be another round robin, this time with 19 players whose ages ranged from 12 to 50, where each player would face 14 short matches of “short tennis”, with the winner being the one who racked up the most points during their respective matches.

This is going to be like taking candy off a baby, I thought – half of the competitors were youngsters, and the rest seemed so nice that when confronted by a ruthless winner (me), they would surely crumple in the face of such determined opposition. And besides, they were so welcoming, and happy that I had joined in, the only difficulty seemed to be coming to terms with my waltzing off with their first prize.

Seven games into my allotted fourteen, and any thoughts of my victory speech were replaced by a serious consideration of how I might avoid picking up the wooden spoon. It soon became clear that this group of lovely smiley people could really play tennis – certainly good enough to make me look like a grand Muppet of the first order. Further, the competition for wooden spoon was going to be fiercely fought with one Robert Bunting, who sadly was experiencing a similar lack of form.

What followed was a true roller coaster of emotions. The lovely Diane Turnbull offered a few excellent tips and took so much pity on me, that I managed to win my first game of the day (just goes to prove the old adage “no good turn goes unpunished” – eh Di?). My Alpha male status was further confirmed by soundly thrashing a 12 year old child (show them no mercy), which conveniently teed up a showdown with arch rival Robert on the premier show court. It was like a spaghetti western – two grizzled and hungry street fighters scrapping for ultimate survival.

Unfortunately, there is no way of passing off the ensuing events as anything other than a complete and overwhelming disaster. All my years of studying at the McEnroe school of sportsmanship and charm were rapidly disappearing out of the window. Robert duly cruised to victory 7-0, leaving me to pick up the pieces, and come to terms with finishing 19th out of 19 – hardly the result becoming of a ruthless winner.

At the other end of the league table, an exceptional performance on the day by Alexander Drummond saw him collect the Chairman’s trophy. The President’s trophy was presented to the Chairman herself, Val Stevenson by the Club’s lifelong President, Colin Sims – a result Robert Mugabe would have been truly proud of.

Everyone contributed a plate of nibbles (or in my case, a 4 pack of Stella and a packet of salted peanuts) to the post match tea, which proved to be quite a spread – of course, a finely honed athlete like myself could only manage a few sausage rolls with my beer and nuts, but I tried to put on a brave face, and help where I could.

From the loser’s perspective, this proved to be a very entertaining and enjoyable afternoon (bar the freakish result), spent in the company of a group of welcoming enthusiasts. The new hard play area affords the tennis club some unrivalled facilities, and makes this is an excellent and friendly environment in which to learn to play the game.

My advice – go join the tennis club, have a lot of fun, but don’t underestimate the competition!