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Hello Possums,

West York, Pennsylvania: An 83 year old professional clown has denied culpability, after crashing his van whilst attempting a u-turn on a busy highway. The arresting officer told the court, that the man’s over-sized shoes were the main cause of him losing control of his vehicle; a claim that the defendant hotly contested. As the local court were unable to bring the case to a conclusion, it has now been referred to the Clown Prosecution Service.

19 year old Jyote Anige, from Nagpur, is confirmed by the Guinness Book Of Records as the smallest person in the World. Jyote stands at two feet and half an inch tall, and hopes to break into the lucrative world of Bollywood. On a recent promotional tour of New York she visited the Empire State Building, but was only able to visit the second floor as she was unable to reach any higher buttons.

Pizza Hut’s latest offering is a cheeseburger pizza containing a massive 2,880 calories. The deep pan extravaganza is embedded with mini- burgers and lashings of Mozzarella, and is recommended as part of a calorie controlled diet. The package deal includes unlimited visits to the salad bar.

Italy: A leading surgeon has stated that the demand for male appendage enlargement has resulted in a rise of 50%.

NASA are recruiting jet propulsion technicians for a new space programme. The employment package includes a competitive salary, 4 weeks annual paid leave, pension scheme, private medical insurance, two twenty minute coffee breaks and an hour for launch.

The mobile library bus has been stolen from its depot in Matlock. Police say, if it is not returned in two weeks, the culprits will incur a fine of £2.50 and 50p per day thereafter.

A Dorset man has claimed the title of ‘World Garlic Eating Champion 2013‘ by scoffing 49 cloves, in just five minutes, at a competition held at the George Inn at Chidcock, beating 25 other contestants. He will be celebrating his win on his own tonight.

In northern China, a woman was rushed to hospital after being bitten by a snake that had been pickling in wine for three months. The snake struck after she uncorked the bottle. Apparently locals believe that this concoction is a cure for all manner of ailments, especially rheumatism. The woman told Weedkiller’s Man in the Orient that in future she would be rejecting snakebites in favour of lager & lime.

The Starbucks Coffee chain in the USA have started a drive to deter gun toting customers, who take full advantage of the right to bear arms Amendment. Although they have stopped short of an outright ban, they are confident of getting their message across. However, at an outlet in Boston, one server went to her manager to inform him that there was a particularly aggressive man toting a Kalashnikov rifle and a Magnum revolver, demanding service, and what should she do? “Ask him if he takes cream and sugar” came the reply.

A man has discovered what is, up to now, the oldest message in a bottle, whilst walking on a beach in Tofino, Canada. The bloodstained note, dated 1900, contains the exact whereabouts of a Klondike gold prospector’s hoard. It was inserted into the bottle before being cast into the sea seconds before the man, who was mortally wounded in a shoot out with a rival, expired. The hoard, estimated at 50 million dollars in today’s values, created a great deal of euphoria. Alas, this was short lived, as the gold lies buried under one of Canada’s highest skyscrapers.

Bye for now, Paul B.