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Hello Possums.

Well I must tell you there was a profound atmosphere of gloom and despair at Weedkiller’s main offices earlier in the week, as news of George Clooney’s engagement to some flibberty giblet or other filtered through. Myrtle our long serving tea lady was unconsolable, even at the tender age of 83 she never gave up on her dream that George would one day gallop in on his great white charger and whisk her away. Myrtle has seen ‘Gravity’ 72 times, and on one occasion camped out for three nights outside the Dorchester in London to catch a glimpse of George attending the Cinema and Television Awards, but alas she nodded off, prior to him rolling up in his limo and running the red carpeted gauntlet of screaming fans, and missed him completely. But never say die Myrtle is optimistic that the engagement will only last as long as one of Greg Wallace’s restaurants, and he will soon be back on the market again.

Weedkiller’s Film and Television Reviewer attended the premier of ‘Twelve Years a Slave‘ recently, but reported that it was far too long and drawn out, so as a result left halfway through, after six years.

Crumbdale W.I. went to see the ‘Paul Hollywood Bakery Roadshow‘ last week in Sheffield, but were quite disappointed, as it was more of a pantomime laced with smutty innuendos and wink-wink-nod-nods, especially regarding the remarkable properties of yeast. There were however some members that did get carried away with the moment, which resulted in Paul being bombarded with oven gloves bearing phone numbers and suggestive messages.

Royal memorabilia producers are waiting in the hope that Prince Harry and Cressida Bonas will resume their relationship with a view to marriage, as it stands the commemorative mugs read ‘In celebration of the engagement of His Royal Highness Prince Harry to Miss Cress’.

A would be hijacker, on board a Cathay Pacific flight bound for Hong Kong, threatened the captain with a giant Toblerone, and demanded that the flight be diverted to Russia so he could visit the Winter Olympics. The deranged man was restrained by passengers and crew, and arrested on arrival. He has apparently escaped custody whilst facing charges of endangering an aircraft and attempted hijack. He is now the subject of an international manhunt with a substantial Bounty on his head.

Alex Salmond has described Scotland as a ‘nation of drunks’ in his push to end binge drinking on cheap alcohol, whilst championing his own preference for quality Scotch whisky. His statement was immediately seized upon and classed as ‘an unforgivable schlur on his fellow countrymen‘.

Very sadly the curtain has come down on one of our best and unassuming actors Bob Hoskins. His versatility secured him many roles, including Captain Hook’s right hand man in Peter Pan. No doubt, when he knocked on the Pearly gates and St Peter asked “Who is it?”, “Smee” would have been his response.

A guest ale, featuring the blacked up ‘Brittania Coconut Morrismen’, specially brewed by the Irwell Works Brewery in Ramsbottom, Lancashire, has been withdrawn from sale in The House of Commons bar, as it is deemed to be offensive, in yet another case of public correctness gone mad. The ale is described as ‘a heady dark brew of roasted barley infused with Fuggles hops‘; the resultant ale being quite bitter with racist undertones.

Once again our last bastion of Britishness, ’Top Gear‘, is under threat, as a contrite Jeremy Clarkson goes cap in hand to beg forgiveness from ‘Auntie‘ for the temerity of quoting an age old playground ditty, “Eeny, meeny, miny mo, etc”, which includes an anatomical reference now deemed racially offensive. Where is it going to end? I should think it most likely that ‘Auntie’ needs Jeremy more than he needs them. However, if push comes to shove, we have tentatively offered Mr Clarkson a position as Weedkiller’s Motoring Correspondent; the pay is not brilliant, but the job satisfaction is second to none, with four weeks annual unpaid leave, luncheon vouchers and a key to the executive loos.

Bye for now, Paul B.