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By Paul B

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Hello Possums,

Well our World Cup hopes may have evaporated, but we still have one Brit left with a fighting chance in the men’s tennis, Jock O’ Vitch.

A pub burglar in Accrington, Lancs stole three televisions and two cash registers from the Railway Inn, which he stashed outside whilst he returned to continue his crime spree. However, when he returned, the items had been taken by another thief. The man after being sentenced to nine months in jail told the judge that any vestige of faith in human nature that he possessed had been eradicated by this incident. No honour among thieves, eh.

A disgruntled customer dialed 999 to complain that staff refused to inform him of the contents of his burger. The man was politely but firmly told to take his beef elsewhere as this was by no means a police matter.

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By Paul B

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Hello Possums,

Coronation Street fans will be able to tie the knot at the famous ‘Rovers Return‘ as the soon to be refurbished set is licensed to conduct wedding ceremonies. Guests will be treated to a drop or two of Neutron & Wigleys ale, a generous helping of Bet’s famous ‘Ot Pot‘ and the happy couple will receive a trio of Hilda Ogden limited edition flying wall ducks. Good Eh?

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By Paul B

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Paul B

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Hello Possums,

Weedkiller’s Weekly Modern Art Critic has it on good authority that a once in a lifetime investment opportunity in the form of Tracy Emins iconic “My Bed” is coming up for grabs. The work is actually her unmade bed, complete with stained sheets, discarded contraceptives, underwear, empty vodka bottles and pregnancy testing kit. Interested? It could be yours for a mere £1.250,000. Not too sure? Maybe you would like to sleep on it.

An NHS worker was about to enjoy a bowl of M&S super bean and lentil soup, when to his horror he discovered a blue plastic catering hygiene glove on opening the carton. An M&S spokesman told investigators that they were at a complete loss as to how the glove got to be there, but suggested that a disgruntled employee may have had a hand in it.

The corpse of an eighty year old Pueto Rican woman was posed in her favourite rocking chair, dressed in the wedding dress she wore at her second wedding, then surrounded by flowers. The Marin funeral home is renowned for some of its bizarre wakes. They are also famous for their superior embalming techniques to such an extent that a member of staff coming on duty asked her if she would like a cup of coffee.

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Hello Possums,

Prince Charles, during his recent visit to Canada, insisted that the gap between rich and poor people must be narrowed. As a direct consequence, the first phase of 200 affordable starter homes will commence early summer within the grounds of the Charles and Camilla’s residence, Highgrove House.

Prince Charles has had his pocket money stopped for a month by Mummy, after an unguarded comment to a Jewish lady, making reference to President Putin’s actions in the Crimea, provoking a serious backlash and outrage in Russia. His comment, made during his recent Canadian tour, has aggravated an already tense situation; it may come to pass that the Prince will have to eat a large slice of his own Duchy Original Organic Humble Pie.

A jubilant candidate, named Francis Drake, won the first UKIP seat on Weymouth & Portland Council in Dorset, beating Lib Dem mayor Ray Banham. However he did not join in the celebrations until after he had finished his game of bowls.

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Paul B

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Dear Possums,

Air rage incidents, caused by heavy binge drinking sessions prior to holiday flights, have seen a dramatic decrease lately mainly as a result of stringent new controls introduced at Gatwick airport. A spokesman told Weedkiller’s Travel Reporter that passenger confidence had received a most welcome boost, now that the recommended time between ‘bottle and throttle‘ for pilots has been greatly extended.

Ashbourne is well on track to becoming ‘fast food capital of the East Midlands’ with more outlets in the pipeline, including controversial plans for the now closed book shop in Dig St, but that’s another story.

Two guests have absconded from the Sudbury open prison leisure complex. John Harry and Charlie Casey have been missing for over a week. Harry is described as 6′ 1″, short brown hair and beard and has an Irish accent. Casey 5′ 10″, with short brown hair, blue eyes and an Irish accent. Anyone with any idea of their whereabouts should not approach the pair, but call 101 with an Irish accent immediately.

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Paul B

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Hello Possums.

Well what a night (Saturday/Sunday), whilst we were all tucked up safely in our beds, our unsung hero Peter T was locked in mortal combat with the monstrous Hydra, which had breached the portal and was gushing forth with a vengeance from the fetid depths of the underworld. Peter, armed only with a wheelie bin and his enchanted Nike sandals, with no thought for himself, bravely kept the beast at bay until help arrived, well done lad.

Other news.

Austria wins Eurovision song contest by a whisker.

Rumours are circulating around Westminster that the long awaited publication of the ‘Chilcott’ enquiry is being purposely delayed until after Labour have lost the next election.

When is a pie not a pie? That is the question. A petition is, as we speak gaining momentum, to the effect that a bowl of stew and a puff a pastry lid, that have only just been introduced prior to serving, is not a marriage made in heaven, and by no means represents a true pie. It is being suggested that this practise is flagrant misrepresentation and transgressors should be punished in the courts. The petition is well on the way to qualify for a reading in the House of Commons, and may even be referred to the upper crust House of Lords.

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Paul B

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Hello Possums.

Well I must tell you there was a profound atmosphere of gloom and despair at Weedkiller’s main offices earlier in the week, as news of George Clooney’s engagement to some flibberty giblet or other filtered through. Myrtle our long serving tea lady was unconsolable, even at the tender age of 83 she never gave up on her dream that George would one day gallop in on his great white charger and whisk her away. Myrtle has seen ‘Gravity’ 72 times, and on one occasion camped out for three nights outside the Dorchester in London to catch a glimpse of George attending the Cinema and Television Awards, but alas she nodded off, prior to him rolling up in his limo and running the red carpeted gauntlet of screaming fans, and missed him completely. But never say die Myrtle is optimistic that the engagement will only last as long as one of Greg Wallace’s restaurants, and he will soon be back on the market again.

Weedkiller’s Film and Television Reviewer attended the premier of ‘Twelve Years a Slave‘ recently, but reported that it was far too long and drawn out, so as a result left halfway through, after six years.

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Paul B.

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Hello Possums,

Escapee sighted in Derbyshire: A six foot tall wild bird, native to Australia, with lethal claws and the capability of reaching a speed 45mph, may be in the vicinity of Parwich. A local man claims to have spotted the bird in his rhea view mirror whilst driving into the village on Friday.

An opportunity has arisen within the Royal Household for someone capable of specialist antique cleaning and a willingness to travel to the numerous royal households around the country. A salary of £14,400 is up for grabs, which includes food and accommodation. Job seeker, Prince Edward, has already submitted his C.V.

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Hello Possums,

A postcard has come to light, sent by Adolf Hitler during the First World War, confirming the removal of 19 of his teeth. The card, dated 21/12/16, features a picture of Berlin’s Landwebr Canal. It was fairly common knowledge that Hitler had a profound fear of dentists, but suffered, nevertheless, in the hope that the tooth fairy would make a significant financial contribution to the German war effort.

An American car mechanic, who was convinced, up until recently, that he was Elvis Presley’s love child, has been told that D.N.A testing has proved beyond doubt that he is in no way related to the star. His mother claimed to have had a one night stand with the legendary singer many moons ago, and became pregnant by him as a result. The mechanic’s craving for cheese burgers and peanut butter sandwiches, and an uncanny similarity in singing voices, has been put down to pure coincidence. The poor fellow is inconsolable with the findings, and is trying to come to terms by going into hiding at The Heartbreak Hotel, down at the end of lonely street.

An inebriated burglar, who fell asleep on the lavatory of a house he had broken into, has been sentenced to 18 months in prison. After passing sentence, the judge told him “Just thank your lucky stars that it wasn’t Oscar Pistorius’s house“.

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Hello Possums,

Police are hunting a man, who attempted to rob a store (in Maldon, Essex) at gunpoint, wearing a Rod Stewart mask. The man escaped empty handed after a member of staff hit the alarm button. A local C.I.D Inspector told us that a similar modus operandi was adopted some years ago by a man wearing a Gordon Brown mask, who brazenly carried out a massive gold bullion reserve heist, and is now believed to be a fugitive living in Scotland.

A man, walking his dog by a golf course, was shocked when the animal returned from undergrowth with a badly decomposed human arm in its mouth. A club spokesperson said “We do have one or two dog legs on the course, but a human one is definitely a first”.

Apparently a Teddy bear was one of the more mundane items stolen from the House of Commons in recent years, and was thought to have been the unwitting victim of a honey trap.

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Hello possums,

Prince Charles was given a gentle reminder of his German ancestry when he was presented with a giant pretzel by Petra Braun, a baker from Stuttgart. Mrs Braun opened her ‘Hanzel & Gretel’ bakery in London 10 years ago, and was delighted to see the Prince. Weedkiller’s Raving Reporter, Jack Boot, overheardPrince Charles, whilst on his tour of the bakery, say that “One is rather partial to a bit of crumpet One’s self“. “Vot is dis crumpet your highness?” asked a bemused Mrs Braun. Whereupon a voice from the entourage shouted “Don’t tell her pikelet“.

A ground breaking Channel 4 programme is highlighting the attempts of scientists to sequence the DNA of historical figures to discover their causes of death. They have successfully reached the conclusion that the singer Elvis Presley suffered from Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy, an extremely rare degenerative heart disease. Their findings also confirmed the fact that as he always contested he did not have a wooden heart after all.

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Hello Possums,

Now then, following the appointment of a Norland trained Spanish nannie for the Royal Baby, Weedkiller Weekly executives, not to be outdone, shall be conducting their own training programme for potential nannies aimed at the extremely lucrative ‘rich & famous‘ market. There will be none of the Mary Poppins or Nannie McFee nonsense. Courses will be held at Parwich Legion, encompassing skills such as: how to use an Aga, high speed evasive driving techniques, selfdefense, how to whip up an apple crumble, how to steer a pram away from potential highjackers, hosting kiddies parties and pretending to like corgies and Fergie. This course is aimed at providing all the requirements you will need for this highly demanding profession. To secure your place please forward a cheque for £250.00 made payable to Weedkiller Professional Training Services.

The end could be in sight for that great British institution, the Television Licence. Apparently the dodgers, who are too numerous to mention, cannot afford the £145.50 annual fee. Of course they still watch on their giant cinematic 3D sets, whilst trying to budget their meagre benefits sitting in their woefully inadequate tax payer funded houses with their delightful broods. I trust that Auntie will reimburse all of us law abiding citizens the full amount that we have spent over the years. One person actually pleaded immunity from purchasing said licence as he had stolen his set.

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Hello Possums,

It is believed that one or two eyebrows will be raised, if the proposed opening of a new Botox clinic goes ahead in Ashbourne.

Noose Flash – Sri Lanka: The Colombian authorities recently received over 176 applications for the position of hangman. Unfortunately the successful candidate lost his nerve after viewing the gallows for the first time. Although executions are few and far between, there are a substantial number of men on death row. The prison governor told Weedkiller’s Raving Reporter that he did not even have a chance to show him the ropes.

A Devon man, who stole a penny farthing bicycle as a means of getting home after an all day drinking session, was warned at a preliminary court hearing to be prepared for likely transportation to Botany Bay.

A man, who was tackled by a community support officer after trying to pay for goods with fake twenty pound notes, has been jailed for a year for throwing a sausage cob at the officer in an effort to escape, causing a minor injury. The judge told the man that on his release he must attend a banger management course.

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Hello Possums,

Well the demand for character properties is as strong as ever, with the recent sale of the Victorian lavatories No.s 1 and 2, just off Ashbourne Market Place. There was intense bidding for the lot, before the hammer went down, in the wee hours, for around £100,000. Sold as a going concern, with no chain, to a local businessman by Bogshaws Estate Agents.

Cumbria: A community support officer was taken aback, when an obviously well inebriated man approached her to ask for a jump start for his car. “Aren’t you in the AA” she asked. “I’m not actually, but I should be, with the amount I’ve drunk.” Appearing in court, he was fined £200 with £85 costs, and received a six month ban. His battery was not charged.

Edinburgh: A taxi driver unwittingly acted as a getaway driver for a bank robber, who kept him waiting outside The Royal Bank of Scotland, with his meter running whilst he stole a four figure sum, before making his escape in the cab. Glasgow CID asked the driver if he would be able to recognise the thief: “Och no, he had a stocking over his head. And the grand wee fella gave me a £500 tip“.

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Hello Possums.

The ‘happy slapper” craze has reared it’s ugly head yet again, as an Asda fish counter sales girl was assaulted by a woman, who picked up a large bream from the display, and walloped the girl with it. She then ran off laughing with an accomplice, who is believed to have filmed the incident on a mobile phone. The police refused to attend such a trivial incident, saying that they had bigger fish to fry.

Apparently even the most hardened criminals have an Achilles heel, which in one case comes in the shape of a budgerigar. In scenes reminiscent of ‘The Bird Man Of Alcatraz, lifer Big Billy (The Butcher) Thorpe has been allowed to have a pet budgie in his cell, which perches on his huge finger tweeting merrily away. Weedkiller’s Raving Reporter visited the gentle giant (when it comes to budgies that is) in his cell at Woodworm Scrubs. “Does your budgie talk Bill?” asked our reporter. ”Wot” boomed Billy ”If you fink any bird of mine would be a coppers nark you got anovver fink comin. Now clear off before I rip your ead off“.

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Hello Possums.

As the controversial argument in favour of an independent Scotland gains momentum, ya see that, canny wee Gordon Broon is attempting to allay fears that north of the border retirees would not be eligible for a British state pension, by guaranteeing that there will be sufficient funds available, with his proposed sell off of Scotland’s Gold reserves.

Opportunist thieves have stolen £40.000 worth of Lego during the night, from a broken down lorry in Elland, West Yorkshire. A Police spokesman told us that, once apprehended and convicted, the culprits could expect a lengthy stretch in Bricks-ton nick.

Religious pilgrims are flocking to the “Yum Yum Fried Chicken Shack” in Kingston, Jamaica, after an astonished chef discover an incredible likeness of the Virgin Mary, that had formed in the cooling dripping of a deep fat fryer. On viewing the image, the local priest said “Well bless my soul, de Lard moves in mysterious ways”.

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Hello Possums,

Well, what a cruel twist of fate for the Labour party, as the intrepid Ed Millipede donned his brand new Pound Shop wellies, and, assuming his ‘I am most concerned expression‘, waded out into the swirling flood waters to experience the misery of thousands for himself. Alas, as Ed prepared for the photo shoot, he disappeared from sight under the water. Despite a combined rescue effort by the emergency services, the search had to be abandoned after five minutes due to the treacherous conditions.

Puerto Rico: Mourners, attending the wake of a murdered middleweight boxer at a local funeral home, were taken aback to see him posed upright in the corner of a makeshift boxing ring, wearing a yellow hood, sun glasses and his signature blue gloves. His grieving mother sobbed, as she told Weedkiller’s Raving Reporter that her son was shot dead by hoodlums, and this was his final wish. Wiping away the tears, she said “It’s terribly sad, but it is so nice to see him on his feet for a change“.

Social circles are abuzz with rumours that Miss Piggy is on the verge of trotting up the matrimonial path. Weedkiller’s Social Correspondent asked Miss Piggy if Kermit the frog was the lucky man.

“WHAT! are you crazy” she squealed “Do you think for one minute that I would marry that Muppet“.

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Hello Possums

Ever thought that the Great Casino of Life had dealt you a lousy hand? Well, spare a thought for these unfortunate blighters who suffer great hardships on a daily basis in the forage for a crumb of sustenance. No it’s not the workhouse of old, it’s not a soup kitchen for the destitute, it’s the House of Lords: recently under fire for the poor service and catering in its £1.3 million taxpayer subsidized restaurants. One disgruntled Lord was forced to endure a 15 minute wait for a table, which did not allow enough time for the excellent sweet trolley. … … … Brief respite, whilst you dab the tears away. … … … On another occasion, a Peer and his wife had their booking cancelled and could not dine elsewhere as she was wearing a tiara. These chappies have to scrape through on an abysmal £300.00 per day attendance allowance, and are forced to endure seared scallops, Beluga caviar and risotto simmered in champagne. So count your blessings.

An outlet in central London is pioneering the use of camel milk in certain beverages. With a taste similar to semi-skimmed cows’ milk, but with half the fat and three times as much vitamin C, the camels’ milk is offering a much healthier option. If this initiative proves successful, the milk will be produced by dromedairies nationwide.

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