PARWICH.ORG

Hello Possums

It’s Weedkiller’s Raving Reporter here, coming to you live from the Stockport branch of McDonald’s, where customers and staff are being subjected to bouts of antisocial behaviour from groups of youths loitering around the premises. As a counter measure, the management are playing classical music over the system in an effort to force the trouble makers to move on. This, to some extent, has proved successful, with the majority plaguing the nearby Kentucky Fried Chicken outlet instead. Ah, this chappie is obviously not shifting, I’ll try to communicate at his level: “Yo! My man, slap me five. Is yo’ walking de walk and talking de talk, bro’? Is yo’ cool wid da toons, dude? Does Chopin float yo’ boat boat! Is yo’ in de gang man, and hot wid de chicks? Over to yo’ bro’.” “Are you crazy, I happen to be the manager here, and if you will get that microphone out of my face, I’d like to get to work ‘Dude’.”

(more…)

Read Full Post »

Hello Possums,

Unfortunately, as a direct result of the slide in readership of Weedkiller Weekly’s column, the Board have been forced to make economies in staffing levels.

The first head to roll is that of Nellie Sykes, our 93 year old tea lady, who we estimate pushed her trolley a grand total of 97,045 miles over the years and now, 5,972 jammy dodgers, 4,235 KitKats, 5,771 custard creams, 4,897 chocolate digestives and God knows how many cups of tea later, it’s time to say goodbye to a tearful Nellie. However, in recognition of her loyal service, we presented her with a lovely knitted tea cosy from the Age Concern charity shop and five pounds worth of premium bonds.

Next in line was our vermin and pest controller, Fred Shufflecock, who has done a sterling job in this specialist field, once single handedly tackling a baby mouse that was terrorizing the girls in the typing pool. Whether it squeaked, scampered, slithered or crawled, Fred was the man for the job. We presented Fed with a monogrammed puffer pack of DDT and a ten pound golden handshake.   (more…)

Read Full Post »

Hello Possums,

Slight hints of Autumn in the air these days don’t you think? I bet the Parwich shutter bugs can’t wait for the first russet hues of the season.

Green fingered tealeaves have been visiting the village. Carl’s treasured lawnmower, that he constructed from Meccano as a child, has gone missing, and a neighborhood watch sign has disappeared from Creamery Lane.

San Antonio Zoo, California: A cruel freak of nature, Thelma and Louse, a green back turtle that was hatched with two heads, has become an overnight internet sensation, such is her popularity that she now has her own two-faced book entry.

(more…)

Read Full Post »

Hello Possums,

Well of course, the highlight of the week was the nail biting finish to the free and democratic Zimbabwe parliamentary elections. Once again Morgan Tsangirai was snapping at the heels of Robert Mugabi, but somehow managed to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.

Pippa Middleton, not one for letting the grass grow under her feet, has taken on the challenge of explaining the ins and outs of jolly old cricket to our American friends across the pond. Good luck.

(more…)

Read Full Post »

Hello Possums,

Well, obviously, the week’s news is dominated by the much awaited birth of Prince George; Weedkiller’s Royal correspondent tells us that Auntie Pippa is already planning her Nephew’s first skiing lesson on the nursery slopes at Cloisters. There will be a special section in Waitroses’ magazine on Royal baby food, and Pippa has promised that every child, born on the same day as the Prince, will receive a signed copy of her book, ‘Celebrate’. But hurry as there are only half a million copies left.

The Parwich photographers fraternity have gone into overdrive recently with some very impressive snaps. Our very own David G camped out for three nights, in a camouflaged hide, to bag a photo of an owl that was cleverly concealed in the foliage of a tree. Good show old boy.

(more…)

Read Full Post »

Hello Possums,

Hallelujah, the much anticipated Royal birth has finally taken place, ending weeks of speculation. Daphne and Trevor Royal of Buttercup Farm, Tintwistle, Yorkshire have become the proud parents of a bouncing baby girl. Many congratulations to them.

During the current heatwave, R.S.P.C.T.B. Officers from Cubley were alerted to a vehicle parked off the Green in Parwich, when a passerby spotted a number of teddy bears inside in Steiff-ling conditions obviously suffering from heat exhaustion. Inspector Rupert Grizzly told Weedkiller’s roving reporter, ”It was no picnic rescuing these bears”, which are now being cared for at the Merrythought rescue center in Paddington.

(more…)

Read Full Post »

Thank you to Paul for retyping this week’s issue after it went astray in t’interweb – Blog Team

Hello possums,

Well it seems that due to an ‘echnical terror’ Weedkiller disappeared into the ether. Anyway the Weedkiller crew are back from the Amknackeredstan tripe hurling championships, but not without incident I might add. Our illustration executive, Peter T, was detained by the secret police for filming sensitive installations (i.e. pole dancers at Amknackerdstan’s Communist Working Man’s Club). Fortunately Weedkiller’s diplomatic representative secured his release with a bribe of 5,000 nectar points and a signed photo of Jedward.

Our very own shrinking violet, Colin S, has asked me to point out that, apart from his thespian prowess, he was an accomplished pantomime performer. “Oh! no he wasn’t.” “Oh! yes he was.” Colin played both the ugly sisters in Cinderella at the Hackney Empire; he was well lauded for his part as Jock in ‘Jock and the Beanstalk’ at the Glasgow Hippodrome; but alas came unstuck at the Wigan end-of-the-pier show, dressed as Captain Hook in Peter Pan he had a nasty accident whilst visiting the gents. That’s show business folks. (more…)

Read Full Post »

Hello Possums,

It wasn’t a very promising outlook for the Parwich Open Gardens but the old bulldog spirit prevailed.

Unpaid bills dating back fifty years have come to light in a store-room at Montague Jeffrey’s bespoke men’s outfitters in Northampton. The culprit at the time was a little known repertory actor named Errol Flynn, who failed to pay for socks, ties, underpants and shirts. He went on of course to find fame and fortune in Hollywood as the heart-throb hero in ‘The Adventures of Robin Hood’; Flynn, being true to character apparently distributed the clothing in question to the poor and needy.

(more…)

Read Full Post »

Hello Possums.

Following on from Sheffield University’s winning formula for the perfect cream tea, The Royal Society of Chemistry have joined forces with The British Cheese Board to create the perfect cheese on toast. No alternative variations such as Welsh rarebit will be entertained. The next projects are to calculate the ideal circumference of the hole in a doughnut, why are sandwiches served in rounds when they are actually square and the best ways to toast a teacake, ‘Cheers’, ‘Good health’ or ‘Here’s mud in your eye’.

Padihersef, a 2,500-year-old Egyptian mummy, is undergoing a spring clean. He has been on display at Massachusetts General Hospital since being donated in 1823. The mummy is having up to date preservation techniques applied, to avoid any further deterioration. Although Padihersef is of great research value into ancient Egyptian embalming methods, he is not thought to have been a prominent person in society or to have had any direct link to the Pharaohs. Recent x-rays have revealed a perfectly preserved and apparently unused shovel under the bindings that would suggest Padihersef was a council workman or something of that nature.  (more…)

Read Full Post »

Hello Possums,

It looks like summer may have arrived, although no threats of hosepipe bans as yet. A good way to conserve water is to drink beer instead. Apparently you can use bath water for your garden plants, but it’s a real chore carting them all up to the bathroom, such is life.

As alcohol awareness week gets under way, Derby City Council have produced a guide for the city’s winos:

• Apple-ation controlee White Lighting Cider – A crisp no nonsense aperitif distilled from the sun ripened apples of Normandy harvested by a full moon.
• Chateau Buckfast Abbey – A pretentious full bodied wine with subtle overtones of meths and a nuance of b.o., available from selected corner shops only.
• Sanatogen Nouveau – A gutsy young wine with bags of potential, ghostly hints of Brasso, which linger on the palette. Perfect for laying down (after five or six bottles or so).
• McEwans – super strength export lager, a must for the more discerning toper, a short cut to oblivion, serve chilled with a bin salvaged kebab or hamburger.

Remember drink sensibly.

(more…)

Read Full Post »

Hello Possums,

Swaziland is cracking down on high flying witches by imposing a ban on exceeding an altitude of 150 metres, so as not be a hazard to commercial aircraft. Swaziland is rife with black magic, sorcery, necromancy and superstition; even witch doctors pay income tax. Non compliance of these restrictions may result in confiscation of broomsticks, a hefty fine or a spell in prison. The witches’ union have condemned these draconian measures describing them as a right load of old warlocks.

At the “Ripley’s Believe It or Not” restaurant in Hollywood, U.S.A, head chef David Gordon’s signature dish of tempura battered tarantula is proving to be a big hit. The abdomen is removed from the spider and the hairs singed off with a lighter, before being plunged in batter and deep-fried until crispy. ‘The Bugathon’ all-you-can-eat-buffet consists of scorpion, grasshoppers, locusts and cockroaches. The early bird special, served from 5.00pm – 7.00pm, is a generous helping of juicy earthworms with various dips to share. For more details go to the good grub website.

(more…)

Read Full Post »

Hello Possums.

Everybody having a good bank holiday weekend?

Yet another nail biting climax to the Eurovision song contest, Ireland floundered without the dynamic duo Jedward. Talent scouts are, as we speak, scouring nursing homes in search of G.B’s entrant for next year. Germany has invaded Denmark, and the Russians said “Ve vos vladiwell robbet“.

As you will have gathered by now Peter T, Weedkiller’s illustration executive without portfolio, has gone A.W.O.L. He left a red herring in the form of his old sandals on the doorstep to put us off the scent, but a note to the milk lady, cancelling his semi skimmed yaks’ milk and passion fruit yogurt, gave him away. We also discovered a strange note for the newsagent saying ‘No nuts for a fortnight‘, we couldn’t quite figure that one out. He has however been spotted in a hangout for the avant-garde in Morecambe, wearing a false beard and a beret, eating a jacket potato and swigging Absinthe. We will keep you posted.

(more…)

Read Full Post »

Hello Possums,

Everyone in fine fettle? Good.

Seattle, Washington: Keen gardeners, from far and wide, flung off their clothes in celebration of the tenth anniversary of world naked gardening day. The organizer, Mark Storey, conducted a survey among members, and discovered that, funnily enough, gardening came a close second in the popularity stakes of unclothed activities. Just be jolly careful with those pruning shears girls.

Coronation Street is facing meltdown, after an effigy of Ken Barlow was defaced by vandals, whilst on display in a replica set of the Rovers Return at Madame Tussaud’s waxworks museum. I say “Bring back Ena Sharples, Minnie Caldwell and Martha Longhurst. Three milk stouts and a bit of juicy gossip about Albert Tatlock. There were no hanky-panky in them days, tha knows.”  (more…)

Read Full Post »

Hello Possums,

This week saw the state opening of parliament. For the first time, Her Majesty the Queen was accompanied by Prince Charles and the Duchess of Cornwall. The Prince looked resplendent sporting more medals and orders than the Imperial War Museum, including a frequent flier badge on loan from Prince Andrew. However, some minutes into the proceedings, the Queen was rudely interrupted by an extremely noisy marching band outside. Slamming down her notes, she stormed outside to remonstrate with them. “Will you lot keep quiet, One is trying to make a speech” she yelled. A burly band master approached and said “Who the **** do you think you are, Dame Helen Mirren?“

The Italians are in the headlines again for doing what they do best, fleecing the tourists, robbery without violence. The Antica Roma ice cream parlour, adjacent to the famous Spanish Steps, charged four Brits £50.00 for three scoops of ice cream, whipped cream extra, toppings extra, sit down extra, breathe the air extra. The Mayor has apologized profusely and offered the tourists a tour of the city as recompense. Unfortunately luncheon is not included, as the Mayor considers the restaurants a complete rip off.

(more…)

Read Full Post »

Hello Possums,

Everybody basking in the bank holiday sunshine? You might be battling with your BBQ, cursing yourself for not cleaning it last time you used it, or having a quiet word with your cantankerous lawn mower. Never mind, crack open a tinny me old cobber, and watch the world go by.

A man has discovered a human ear whilst walking his dog in a graveyard. Police have cordoned off the grounds of St Mary the Virgin Church in Aylesbury, and are treating it as a potential crime scene. The coroner has ruled that a proper hearing is out of the question until the other ear is found. (more…)

Read Full Post »

Hello Possums

A letter intended for president Obama, containing the deadly poison ricin, has been intercepted by security agents and marked return to sender. Paul Curtis, a deluded Elvis impersonator from Mississippi, admitted the offence, saying he believed he had uncovered a government conspiracy to sell transplant organs on the black market. We asked his attorney if he was confident of an acquittal, and he said, “Let’s put it this way, I sincerely hope that he has ‘Jailhouse Rock’ in his repertoire“.

Heavy metal music is the secret to successfully growing strong healthy disease resistant plants, according to a leading gardening specialist. Black Sabbath is a particular greenhouse favourite that has them rocking in their pots. Alas there are no congratulations for the evergreen Peter Pan of pop, Cliff Richards, as his horticultural audience all perished, not even the young ones survived. Plants that were serenaded by Sir Tom Jones did exceptionally well, but apparently it’s not unusual.

(more…)

Read Full Post »

Hello Possums

It has been quite a week at home and abroad, an amazing send off for the iron lady, an inspiring example of professionalism and precision from all involved, nobody does it better. Incidentally Mrs T almost missed her calling in politics, as her father wanted her to develop his butter production in their Grantham grocers shop, but our Maggie told him “The lady is not for churning“.

Did anyone else watch Brian Blessed in ‘Have I got burst eardrums for you’? Truly astounding. (more…)

Read Full Post »

Hello Possums.

Obviously the past week has been dominated, as expected, by the passing of Baroness Thatcher the pinup of the N.U.M. Of course the Weedkiller Weekly is an entirely neutral organ so you must draw your own conclusions as to how great a prime minister she was or was not. I expect the ever ready lunatic fringe will be coming down from the trees and will be intent on causing a disturbance at her funeral service, loot a few shops, overturn some cars, battle with the police. Were you against the poll tax? Not me mate, they should pay just like everyone else. Oh well on we go.

Asda have been forced to withdraw tins of corned beef after minute traces of a horse sedative drug were discovered. For the latest update press the hash key on your computer. (more…)

Read Full Post »

Hello Possums

Everyone survived the Easter break? Good.

The B.B.C has issued an apology to viewers watching the annual boat race, after Oxford’s cox spurred his crew on to victory with a barrage of clearly audible expletives, which were picked up via his radio microphone. The television watchdog committee have stated that any future transgressions would ultimately result in the race being broadcast after the watershed.

From a list of recommended hygiene procedures to reduce the risk of the dreaded novo virus whilst on your cruise: “avoid on board launderettes, avoid public lavatories and go on deck whenever possible.”

(more…)

Read Full Post »

Hello Possums,

Are we all enjoying the Easter break? Of course we are. Lots of excitement as the air ambulance arrived in the village recently, to whisk Barbara’s mother off to hospital. We wish her a speedy recovery.

There is nothing like a crisis for the galvanization of ‘esprit-de-corps’ among the good folk of Parwich, as the recent effort by the ‘Bonio First Responders’, who sprang into action to rescue the day, as a four-legged guest at John and Marion’s holiday cottage will testify. Due to the adverse weather, supplies could not be replenished from outside the village, but a combined effort soon resolved the emergency. Well done. (more…)

Read Full Post »

Hello possums.

Well here we are back in the depths of winter and another budget under our belts; 1p off a pint of beer effectively means, if you sup 340 pints, you will get one free. Motor tires have risen in line with inflation, for anybody lucky enough to still be able afford to run a car, the proposed increase in fuel duty is temporarily postponed. You’ve never had it so good!

At a loose end? Pop along to ‘Honest Patti’s Furniture Showrooms’: genuine reductions, buy now, pay nothing for five years, then ten years interest free credit. Sale must end Easter Monday; doors open 6.00am every day. Christmas delivery guaranteed. We won’t be beaten on price.

(more…)

Read Full Post »

Hello Possums.

Many thanks to Mike A for his comment. It was an excellent review of the Justin Bieber concert; it was almost like being there myself, but of course I wouldn’t be; Bob Dylan is more my scene man. Mike also commented on the delays in starting times, you would think that with a Rolex on each wrist Justin would have no excuses. I am delighted that Mike emerged triumphant in the tussle for the wringing wet vest that Justin threw into the audience; I suppose it will shortly be appearing on EBay. Well done Mike.

(more…)

Read Full Post »

Hello possums.

After the phenomenal success of Tom Chambers, we have another rising star in our midst. A mover and shaker, who makes Michael Jackson look like Pinocchio, our very own David S. A ‘Britain’s Got Talent’ scout spotted David strutting his stuff to ‘Mr’s Miggin’s Pie Shop’ at the Legion on Saturday night. Apparently David’s vertical leaps were worthy of the African ‘Whatootsie’ (Watusi) tribe, who execute amazing leaps in their fertility dances in an effort to impress prospective brides. In his usual modest manner David was unfazed by the prospect of stardom, but did manage to sign a few autographs before his wife, Sharon, carted him off home in a wheelbarrow.

(more…)

Read Full Post »

Hello Possums,

Well that’s February done and dusted. The Catholic church was rocked by the recent announcement that his holiness Pope Benedict XVI is to take early retirement. It is widely rumoured however that Tony Blair may be throwing his mitre in the ring for the top job thus adding the Vatican to his growing property portfolio.

The lucrative world of after dinner speaking is abuzz with the prospect of Lord Prescott joining the circuit. He has optimistically hired an agent to procure some mouth watering engagements for him in the near future. ‘Prezza’ rose steadily through the ranks, defying working class prejudices, from ship’s steward to become Tony Blair’s right hand man, eventually joining the House of Lords, an institution he had long championed. His syntax and eloquent jousting at the dispatch box is legendary among the Labour Party. A veritable feast of anecdotal entertainment awaits, a postprandial extravaganza not to be missed. (more…)

Read Full Post »

Hello Possums

Firstly I must deal with an unpleasant occurrence, a complaint from Mr Bill W. Bill told me that his beauty sleep is being disturbed because his wife Anne is reading the ‘Weedkiller’ on her kindle in bed, and chuckling well into the wee hours. He also told me that in the past by the time Ann had finished her whelks and jellied eels and drank her cocoa he would normally have been fast asleep. Our apologies Bill.

(more…)

Read Full Post »

Hello Possums,

If anybody is reading this we will have been spared what in astronomical terms is a near miss, or in lay man’s terms coming within a gnats eye brow of a disaster, as an asteroid, 150ft wide and travelling at a speed of five miles a second, passed by at a mere 17,000 miles and went on its merry way into infinity. This rascal is the closest ever recorded, and would be capable of generating the explosive force of 1,000 atom bombs. To put it in a nutshell an area the size of London would be turned into an abyss; ignorance is bliss eh!

An Australian business man has revealed his plans to turn a redundant mortuary into a luxury hotel. (more…)

Read Full Post »

Hello possums.

Following months of painstaking examinations, the remains exhumed from beneath a Leicester council car park have finally been confirmed as those of King Richard III. The next challenge is to locate the remains of King Alfred, the great a notable reformer and peacemaker but certainly no contender for the ‘Great British Bake Off’.

Just as you thought it was safe to go back into the supermarket, a Tesco’s customer has discovered a tooth embedded in one of his sausages. The offending item was submitted for analysis: a Tesco’s spokesman has it straight from the horse’s mouth that the tooth in question was in fact of human origin. What a relief! In the ongoing saga: ‘Wither-spoons’ have stopped serving burgers and ‘Lanca-Shire’ hotpot; Ladbrokes have cancelled the ‘1,000 guineas maiden-steaks’; ‘Pizza Express’ will now be known as ‘Pony Express’. In fact a recent ‘Gallop Poll’ has suggested that consumers are boycotting processed foods all together.

(more…)

Read Full Post »

Hello Fellow Earthlings,

Well the big burger scandal rumbles on; at least we know for sure what one of the ingredients is; ask any French butcher what is the toughest part of a horse and he will tell you it’s the saddle. Has anyone analysed salami or hot dogs or that mouth-watering doner kebab, that is a must for every pub and club goer at the end of the evening, that indescribable lump oozing grease as it merrily revolves night after night; ‘Bon Appetite’.

Well Ashbourne will soon be bracing itself for the annual ‘Shrovetide’: Upard’s and Downard’s locked in gladiatorial combat, Of course the game was originally played with a human head, but this barbaric practice ceased in 1985. Allegedly many an old score has been settled in the mayhem of “The HUG”. Much further afield in days of yore, Captain Bligh and loyal members of his crew, after being relieved of their ship and awaiting rescue on the Pitcairn Islands, amused themselves by rolling coconuts at turtles on the beach, a game which became known as terrapin bowling.

(more…)

Read Full Post »

Thank you David how encouraging, your cheque is in the post.

Splendid news for the economic woes of Ashbourne, a real shot in the arm for local commerce. The impending arrival of … Wait for it … drum roll please maestro, … … … – ’The 99 pence store’ – guaranteed to revive the most jaded of market towns. The sheep drovers will return, the ancient cobbles will once again ring with the clatter of horses hooves, the market will become a magnet for buyers from far and wide, the ancient ale houses will overflow. Actually joking apart the town was so quiet on Thursday the traffic warden ticketed his own car.

Thank goodness the bins have finally been emptied, one more week and I think ours would have become scheduled ancient monuments and most likely would have been investigated by the ‘Time Team’ in years to come.

A wee bit further afield three Colombians, who attempted to rob a store at 2.00 in the morning, were forced to abort the raid (more…)

Read Full Post »

Hello snow persons, I hope you are all sitting comfortably in your igloos this morning. It looks like Parwich is peppered with giant white molehills. By the way, gentlemen – if you ever find yourself as a guest of an Eskimo family for the night, you will most likely be offered the delights of your host’s wife for the duration, and to decline is definitely bad form. The major stumbling block is being able to tell them apart, so beware.

Midlothian county council is to mark “Love Your Library Day” on Feb 2 by staging free pole dancing classes to encourage people to use the facilities. Derbyshire Dales will be joining in the initiative with their mobile library service. Interested parties are invited to come along to the library on its next visit to the village. Suggested attire: Lycra leotards and non-slip ballet pumps; ladies’ outfits to be advised.

(more…)

Read Full Post »

Hello Possums,

As the results of supermarket Christmas trading figures filter through, Morrison’s performed worst of all. As a result ‘Ant & Dec’ are to spearhead a new sales drive. A new gourmet range inspired by ‘I’m a celebrity get me out of here’ will be on their shelves soon. Delicacies will include kangaroo testes in a delicate fragrant Thai inspired curry sauce with steamed maggot rice, tarantula tortellini, tempura giant mealy bugs with chilli dip, creamy ostrich brain risotto, cockroach Quiche and Crocodile Dundee cake.

A Chicago man, dressed in a chicken costume to highlight the plight of factory reared birds in overcrowded conditions, who stood vigil outside a Kentucky fried chicken outlet, has been admitted to hospital after being subjected to a barrage of sauce sachets, soft drinks cans and chicken nuggets, followed by a beating from customers. He now is recovering in intensive care with five hundred other patients. (more…)

Read Full Post »

Hello Possums, Happy New Year to one & all.

What a dismal wet Xmas it was, even our fairy leapt to her death from the top of the Xmas tree. The Churchillian spirit was well in evidence as the Legion was plunged into darkness on Xmas Eve, prompting a candlelit evening of imbibing and jollity. Who needs electricity? Anyone receive a sat-nav for Xmas? “Take the first turning on the right, straight on, at the top turn right, take the second turning on the left, you have now reached your destination, Halford’s cash desk”. I received an amazing exotic carnivorous plant for Xmas that turned out to be vegetarian; on Boxing day morning I discovered that it had eaten itself.

Following the death of Diane Manfriden of Iowa at the age of 115 years, Jiroeman KImura is now officially the World’s oldest person. He was born in Japan in 1897 whilst Queen Victoria was still on the throne. He attributes his longevity to the three S’s: Sushi, Saki and yes you’ve guessed it Sunshine. It’s a jolly good job he doesn’t live here. (more…)

Read Full Post »

Hello Possums, HO! HO! HO!

Thank you Jane for the one and only response: Good effort, but the answer is Badger, as he only has two legs. I can almost hear you screaming.

Well we are almost at the finishing line, not very seasonal weather, but we may just avoid a hosepipe ban next Summer!

Did you happen to read some of the pathetic excuses in the press recently given by people offloading unwanted pets? “He isn’t as cute as he was when he was a puppy; We have a new three piece suite and their colours clash; It breaks wind too much; It smells like a dog”, would you Adam & Eve it? (more…)

Read Full Post »

Hello possums. Any ideas about the teaser? No responses, is there anyone out there? Come on, have a go.

The Queen has recently recorded her Christmas Day message in 3D for the first time. It will be just like having Her Majesty in your own front room, so you will have to act with decorum: no rude noises, no switching over to Harry Potter halfway through, feet off the coffee table (bad form). If you do not have a pet corgi of your own, you can purchase a very lifelike one from Harrods that even does whoopsies on the carpet. If you are in any doubt about how to behave, Pippa Middleton’s guide to 3D royal etiquette is available in all good pound shops now.

Three U.S women were outraged when their dinner check arrived, identifying them as three fat girls in the corner. The manager of Chilly D’s Sports Lounge offered them a 25% discount whilst stifling a laugh, which added insult to injury. As a result, the ladies have advised their friends at Fannies Flab Fighters to boycott the restaurant in future. Jimmy Slim, the owner, was appalled by the actions of his staff and has stated categorically that it is not company policy to cause embarrassment to obese greedy customers.

(more…)

Read Full Post »

Greetings Possums,

Well the Xmas juggernaut is well underway and gathering momentum as we speak. It will soon be time to hang your stockings up or is it tights these days? Did you know that the Xmas cracker was invented by Tom Smith in 1846. The origin of his idea was French bon bons which contained a poem and were given as love tokens. Tom was sat by the fire one evening thinking how to make them more exciting, when a flaming log emitted a loud bang, giving Tom the idea for a snap in his crackers, the rest is history.

The Queen & Prince Philip were so impressed by a recent visit to a motor home manufacturers that they have ordered one to enable them to sneak ‘awf’ now and again for an incognito break. The motor home in question will bear the royal coat of arms. Staff will include a chauffeur, chef, private secretary, butler and housekeeping staff. It will boast a guest room in case any other royals fancy roughing it on holiday. A mini version will be towed behind for the corgis. Unfortunately there is no helipad provided on the roof for Prince Andrew. Look out for Pippa’s must have guide to motor home entertaining in bad bookstores soon.

(more…)

Read Full Post »

Thank you to Paul for his latest news ’round-up’:

Hello Possums, Have you opened the first windows of your advent calendars yet and scoffed the little treats inside ?, An arctic cold snap is forecast possibly heralding the coldest winter for a 100 years, it may be worth a wee flutter on it being a white Christmas. Did you know that originally good old St Nicholas, the patron saint of Toys-R ‘Us, was attired in green, that is until Coca Cola marketing got hold of him and dressed him in red.

Whilst on the Xmas theme at the recent Bavarian market in Birmingham more than a few eye brows were raised as the carousel begin to merrily rotate to the theme from the “Dambusters “. The large contingent of German stallholders took no offence and laughed it off. A spokesman from Birmingham City Council said “we have no control over the music and this was a pure coincidence, a one-off you might say“. Next came the themes from “The Great Escape”, “The Battle Of Britain”, “The Heroes Of Telemark “, “Kelly’s Heroes” and “Colonel Bogey”. One German trader asked an English fish monger what was the large fish on his counter, some wise guy shouted “don’t tell him Pike “. “They don’t like it up e’m you know “.  (more…)

Read Full Post »

Good afternoon from windswept and rain-battered Parwich. It’s a good day for snuggling down with a bottle of Baileys Irish Cream, a tin of Quality Street and rattling off those Christmas cards. Bah Humbug!

LONDON: Rihanna, well known for her outrageously revealing stage outfits, has caused controversy with her latest fashion choice: a turquoise top, extravagantly adorned with myriads of ostrich feathers. Animal rights groups suspect that the feathers may have been gathered cruelly. We asked Rihanna for a comment, but she ran off at great speed. When we finally caught up with her, she stuck her head in the sand and refused to come out and speak to us.

(more…)

Read Full Post »

Good Morning. I am sure you will all join me in commiserating with our National Treasure Lord Prescott, who managed to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory in his quest to become Police and Crime Commissioner for Humberside. To add insult to injury, he was pipped at the post by a relatively unknown Tory toff. Lady Prescott said “John was especially disappointed at the result, as he had heard that the chips at the Humberside Police headquarters canteen were vastly superior to ones at the House of Lords restaurant.“

(more…)

Read Full Post »