Hello Possums,
Prince Harry and his girlfriend are planning a trip to Iceland, before a skiing trip in Verbier. A spokesperson told Weedkiller’s Royal Correspondent that the Prince had visited Iceland before, but was unimpressed with the sausage rolls and the frozen chips.
An American diva is suing the Federal Government, claiming that a botched abdominal procedure left her unable to perform without breaking wind, and also acute incontinence. Her last performance in Cosi Fanny Tutti was described as extremely moving with a prevailing wind.
A recently uncovered document claims that ‘Ping Pong’ played a major role in bringing the cold war to an end, but, alas, nobody has ever heard of him.
Everyone survived? Good. I bet those New Year resolutions are tumbling like wheat before the scythe.
late for One’s Xmas luncheon, as last year the vichyssoise was stone cold, when the Royals finally sat down to luncheon.
went. Prince Charles got a book of nursery rhymes to read to his seedlings at bedtime.
A church in Neath, South Wales, is using a real donkey for Mary to ride, in their annual nativity play. Pretty straightforward you may think. Oooooooh no! Enter stage left … Yes, you’ve guessed it, the ‘health & safety’ brigade’: little Mary must don a crash helmet for the hazardous gallop to the byre. Her steed is Exocet Enid, a retired Blackpool donkey with a fiery streak in her veins. Of course ‘The Magi’ must wear high vis vests, their camels are to have hazard lights and indicators. Any adults involved in the production will be required to take a CRB check. The byre should pass fire safety inspection, a fully equipped postnatal team will be on standby and strictly no photographs allowed.
Weedkiller’s Television & Film Critic was appalled at the poor standard of the Royal Variety Performance recently; “third rate entertainment” he grumbled. Poor old Camilla was mistaken for Dame Edna, and Prince Charles had gone missing but was eventually found in the foyer talking to the plants.
Well, Parwich gourmets rejoice: going on sale soon is 
An Australian rancher has appeared in court, accused of cruelty, after he rode into town 
Channel 4’s ‘Time Team’ claim to have located the true site of the Battle of Hastings, which is approximately 600ft from Battle Abbey. There is a cafe, a pub and a betting shop near to the site, which suggests that King Harold’s army had a belly buster fry-up, a few pints and an each-way bet on the outcome of the battle.
A recent survey has revealed that one in six adults still believe in Father Christmas, and even write to him expressing their wish-list. This of course is a nonsense, as nowadays you can e-mail the old boy at santaclaus@northpole.com.
Beresford’s calendar ‘The Fast Disappearing Red Telephone Boxes Of Wales‘. Kevin also produced this year’s calendar ‘The Roundabouts Of Britain‘, riveting eh!.
As you are probably aware, due to a lightning strike by Weedkiller’s Technical Support Team, we were unable to go to press last week: their main demand being to have Xmas day off with pay. Outrageous!
We must apologize for the delay in responding to the deluge of congratulatory comments on our first anniversary, but our PR man insists on answering each one personally.
Hello Possums,
abandoned their attempt to blow Parliament to kingdom come, and retired to the nearest ale house.
told us that ‘chilli chicken‘ was definitely off the menu.
Nuneaton: A drinker was horrified, when he claimed to have discovered around fifty dead flies at the bottom of his bottle of Foster’s lager, purchased from his local Azda store. A spokesperson for the store told us, as a precautionary measure, the supplier will only be using blue bottles in future production.
Cookhill, Redditch: Opportunist thieves have stolen 6,400 tins of baked beans from a Skania lorry parked up overnight whilst the driver slept. Police suspect there 
may be a connection to an earlier incident where a thousand thick sliced loaves were taken from a Kemp’s bakery delivery van.
OYEZ! OYEZ! Derby’s town criers have been criticized over their exorbitant call out charges.
Well in the words of the great Ken Dodd, “What a lovely day for sticking a pound of tripe down your y-fronts, standing on your head and singing Rule Britannia backwards“.
Buckingham Palace are to recruit a responsible person to provide care and to exercise the Queen’s pet dogs. Applicants must be Corgi registered.
Oklahoma 
Weedkiller’s elite Employment Agency Bureau has been engaged in the search for a suitable applicant for 
apprentices, a generous salary is on offer, which included traveling expenses and double chime on weekends and bank holidays. We have been assured that this is a bona fide position, and not a wind up!
chicken in one of their flagship stores. The supermarket are appealing for donations of mousetraps however small, ‘as every little helps‘.
West York, Pennsylvania: An 83 year old professional clown has denied culpability, after 
19 year old Jyote Anige, from Nagpur, is confirmed by the Guinness Book Of Records as the smallest person in the World. Jyote stands at two feet and half an inch tall, and hopes to break into the lucrative world of Bollywood. 
Our interior design team bent over backwards to create the ideal working environment for her by painting her office in canary yellow with upholstery in Norwich City colours; her package included luncheon vouchers, 
bus pass and even her own personal keys to the executive loos; all to no avail. Pippa has also declined, due to her festive commitments at Waitrose. She is presenting her festive tips: such as the self-pulling cracker for people on their own at 
Christmas, an indoor snow machine, a pack of expensive wine labels to disguise cheap plonk, tabletop hock and a nice goose on the dinner-table.
Wait! Hold the front page, Scoop! Scoop! Breaking news: never mind the Syrian crisis, the overcrowded prisons, the unsustainable immigration putting pressure on housing, hospitals, schools and social security… wait for it… 
523,000 Germans have invaded our shores – but don’t panic, Mr. Mainwaring. Stand down the Warmington-on-Sea home guard; these are tourists with an apparently insatiable appetite for our beaches and coastal paths. Many of them make a pilgrimage to the site where the first Zeppelin was destroyed by specially designed incendiary bullets. Wreaths of sausages are left by visitors, in memory of the millions of Germans, who were banned from scoffing their favourite Bratwurst, as the 
cow skins were used in the manufacture of gas containers. So, if you ever wonder why airships have teats, there is your answer.
PARWICH.ORG 