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Happy Cephalopod Week

By Paul B.

Hello Possums,

Right Ladies, it’s bio-chemical warfare. Conkers have one of the strongest moth repelling aromas, and in the process of drying out emit a gas which kills off moths and their larvae. In order to be effective the conkers must be fresh, and it is recommended that new ones are placed in your drawers every few weeks or so.

Her Majesty the Queen is seeking a person with a passion for upholstery to fill the post of ‘Senior Restorer’. The successful applicant will be responsible for the 30,000 or so items of sofas and chairs scattered around the various royal properties. A comprehensive knowledge furniture, spanning 300 years, would be a distinct advantage, although it is highly unlikely that anyone could live that long. Previous applicants can get stuffed.

Lord Prezza was, in typical style, left with egg on his face after confusing ‘the bedroom tax’ for ‘the breakfast tax’. Easy to see where his thoughts lie.

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By Paul B

Hello Possums,

Parwich film presents ‘Carry On In The Great British Bake Off Kitchen’. Starring the delectable Barbara Windsor as Mary Cherry, David Walliams as Paul Bollywood and the Krankies as Mel and Sue. Oooh, titter, titter matron. A hilarious cornucopia of double entendres, a plethora of soggy bottoms, lashings of tongue in cheek tittilations and a good old helping of risque innuendos, stiff peaks and buns in the oven. It is awful, but you’ll like it.

David Cameron was forced to make a humbling apology to Her Majesty The Queen, after he revealed her purring response to the outcome of the Scottish independence referendum. However they are now back on amicable terms and even shared a saucer of Duchy Original organic milk together.

Podey Pizza, a specialist food company in the US, have launched their latest creation: a cannabis infused pizza topping to give the customer a high, and at the same time satiate the associated post joint munchies. A specialist pot noodle is also in the pipeline.

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By Paul B

Hello Possums,

Och aye the ‘noos’ have it; Scotch Bonnets soared high into the chilli autumnal air, as the results of the referendum were announced, confirming a positive rejection of independence. A resigned Alex Salmond conceded defeat. Gordon Broon produced a jaw dropping animated performance, providing a welcome boost for the ‘noos’. With heavy hearts the freedom fighters, sensing defeat adopted a new slogan before drowning their sorrows: ‘Bitter Together’. However the proceedings did not go without any hiccups, especially in ‘The Mary Queen Of Scotch’ bar in Glasgow, where passions were running high, as the ‘ayes’ took the vote. Things got a wee bit hairy in The Trossach’s for a while, where things could have swung either way. Consultants and staff at Edinburgh’s incontinence clinic, which relies solely on English funding for research, celebrated well into the ‘wee’ hours following the ‘noos‘ victory. Ed Milliband vastly underestimated his popularity in Scotland, as cheering supporters bore him shoulder high through the streets of Glasgow, before unceremoniously dumping him in the River Clyde. There were a fair number of abstainers, but the majority of people had a good few bevvies afterwards.

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