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Hello Possums,

If anybody is reading this we will have been spared what in astronomical terms is a near miss, or in lay man’s terms coming within a gnats eye brow of a disaster, as an asteroid, 150ft wide and travelling at a speed of five miles a second, passed by at a mere 17,000 miles and went on its merry way into infinity. This rascal is the closest ever recorded, and would be capable of generating the explosive force of 1,000 atom bombs. To put it in a nutshell an area the size of London would be turned into an abyss; ignorance is bliss eh!

An Australian business man has revealed his plans to turn a redundant mortuary into a luxury hotel. Continue Reading »

Hello possums.

Following months of painstaking examinations, the remains exhumed from beneath a Leicester council car park have finally been confirmed as those of King Richard III. The next challenge is to locate the remains of King Alfred, the great a notable reformer and peacemaker but certainly no contender for the ‘Great British Bake Off’.

Just as you thought it was safe to go back into the supermarket, a Tesco’s customer has discovered a tooth embedded in one of his sausages. The offending item was submitted for analysis: a Tesco’s spokesman has it straight from the horse’s mouth that the tooth in question was in fact of human origin. What a relief! In the ongoing saga: ‘Wither-spoons’ have stopped serving burgers and ‘Lanca-Shire’ hotpot; Ladbrokes have cancelled the ‘1,000 guineas maiden-steaks’; ‘Pizza Express’ will now be known as ‘Pony Express’. In fact a recent ‘Gallop Poll’ has suggested that consumers are boycotting processed foods all together.

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Hello Fellow Earthlings,

Well the big burger scandal rumbles on; at least we know for sure what one of the ingredients is; ask any French butcher what is the toughest part of a horse and he will tell you it’s the saddle. Has anyone analysed salami or hot dogs or that mouth-watering doner kebab, that is a must for every pub and club goer at the end of the evening, that indescribable lump oozing grease as it merrily revolves night after night; ‘Bon Appetite’.

Well Ashbourne will soon be bracing itself for the annual ‘Shrovetide’: Upard’s and Downard’s locked in gladiatorial combat, Of course the game was originally played with a human head, but this barbaric practice ceased in 1985. Allegedly many an old score has been settled in the mayhem of “The HUG”. Much further afield in days of yore, Captain Bligh and loyal members of his crew, after being relieved of their ship and awaiting rescue on the Pitcairn Islands, amused themselves by rolling coconuts at turtles on the beach, a game which became known as terrapin bowling.

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