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Hello Possums,

It is believed that one or two eyebrows will be raised, if the proposed opening of a new Botox clinic goes ahead in Ashbourne.

Noose Flash – Sri Lanka: The Colombian authorities recently received over 176 applications for the position of hangman. Unfortunately the successful candidate lost his nerve after viewing the gallows for the first time. Although executions are few and far between, there are a substantial number of men on death row. The prison governor told Weedkiller’s Raving Reporter that he did not even have a chance to show him the ropes.

A Devon man, who stole a penny farthing bicycle as a means of getting home after an all day drinking session, was warned at a preliminary court hearing to be prepared for likely transportation to Botany Bay.

A man, who was tackled by a community support officer after trying to pay for goods with fake twenty pound notes, has been jailed for a year for throwing a sausage cob at the officer in an effort to escape, causing a minor injury. The judge told the man that on his release he must attend a banger management course.

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Hello Possums,

Well the demand for character properties is as strong as ever, with the recent sale of the Victorian lavatories No.s 1 and 2, just off Ashbourne Market Place. There was intense bidding for the lot, before the hammer went down, in the wee hours, for around £100,000. Sold as a going concern, with no chain, to a local businessman by Bogshaws Estate Agents.

Cumbria: A community support officer was taken aback, when an obviously well inebriated man approached her to ask for a jump start for his car. “Aren’t you in the AA” she asked. “I’m not actually, but I should be, with the amount I’ve drunk.” Appearing in court, he was fined £200 with £85 costs, and received a six month ban. His battery was not charged.

Edinburgh: A taxi driver unwittingly acted as a getaway driver for a bank robber, who kept him waiting outside The Royal Bank of Scotland, with his meter running whilst he stole a four figure sum, before making his escape in the cab. Glasgow CID asked the driver if he would be able to recognise the thief: “Och no, he had a stocking over his head. And the grand wee fella gave me a £500 tip“.

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