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Hello Possums,

Police are hunting a man, who attempted to rob a store (in Maldon, Essex) at gunpoint, wearing a Rod Stewart mask. The man escaped empty handed after a member of staff hit the alarm button. A local C.I.D Inspector told us that a similar modus operandi was adopted some years ago by a man wearing a Gordon Brown mask, who brazenly carried out a massive gold bullion reserve heist, and is now believed to be a fugitive living in Scotland.

A man, walking his dog by a golf course, was shocked when the animal returned from undergrowth with a badly decomposed human arm in its mouth. A club spokesperson said “We do have one or two dog legs on the course, but a human one is definitely a first”.

Apparently a Teddy bear was one of the more mundane items stolen from the House of Commons in recent years, and was thought to have been the unwitting victim of a honey trap.

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Hello possums,

Prince Charles was given a gentle reminder of his German ancestry when he was presented with a giant pretzel by Petra Braun, a baker from Stuttgart. Mrs Braun opened her ‘Hanzel & Gretel’ bakery in London 10 years ago, and was delighted to see the Prince. Weedkiller’s Raving Reporter, Jack Boot, overheardPrince Charles, whilst on his tour of the bakery, say that “One is rather partial to a bit of crumpet One’s self“. “Vot is dis crumpet your highness?” asked a bemused Mrs Braun. Whereupon a voice from the entourage shouted “Don’t tell her pikelet“.

A ground breaking Channel 4 programme is highlighting the attempts of scientists to sequence the DNA of historical figures to discover their causes of death. They have successfully reached the conclusion that the singer Elvis Presley suffered from Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy, an extremely rare degenerative heart disease. Their findings also confirmed the fact that as he always contested he did not have a wooden heart after all.

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