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Hello Possums,

Well, the hot potato at the moment is of course the Scottish independence referendum. The rebels could well be putting the Buckfast Abbey tonic wine on ice soon, as old Alec Salmond nudges ahead. The no no’s have revealed their ace in the hole, as the formidable Gordon Broon is dusted off and wheeled out to join the fray. The implications of Scottish independence are far reaching and a Scottish republic could be next on the agenda, which could see the Queen relinquishing her time share at Holyrood House. Bonny Prince Charles is seeing his long awaited realm diminishing before his very eyes; his vision of being monarch of the glen fading fast. Even as we speak Gregg’s bakery are removing Scotch eggs from the shelves, Edinburgh Woolen Mill outlets have been looted and McDonalds ‘restaurants’ are being picketed. Weedkiller’s Raving Reporter, Jimmy Riddle, is still transmitting with his cat’s whiskers set from The Swinging Sporran in Glasgow, but fears he may have been rumbled.

Rumours are now echoing around the hills and valleys of a plot for Welsh independence being in the embryonic stage. Weedkiller’s intelligence agents have intercepted transmissions in Moss code from a location somewhere in Parwich to a spymaster in Colwyn Bay. This ‘femme fatale’ could rise up at any moment to lead the revolt. Her husband is suspected of photographing sensitive installations in and around the village and intelligence gathering. Stay vigilant comrades.

Yippee, it’s Royal Baby mania all over again. Pippa is furiously knitting baby gros. A spokesperson for North Norfolk Borough Council stated that there would be no favouritism and the Royal couple would have to take their chances on the waiting list for a council house along with everyone else. Kate’s mother has been accused of assuming royal airs; “Simply not true”, she said, before storming off with her corgis.

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By Paul B

Hello Playmates,

Firstly, many congratulations to our very own Christine G, whose Weedkiller Extra #18 comment was picked by our panel of judges from the hundreds of entries as being the most original and wittiest. Of course, Christine is no stranger to the world of merry mirth, cutting her comedy milk teeth at the annual Ffestiniog Festival Fun Week talent competition with her hilarious rendition of Dylan Thomas’ ‘Under Milk Wood‘. Her next big break came at ‘The Rubstick and Gastric Glassblowers and Pipe Blenders‘ Social Club in the Yorkshire Dales. Christine’s professionalism shone through as the preceding turn, a Charlie Williams tribute artiste, went down under a salvo of pork pies. Her act did however encroach on ten minutes of bingo time, but her winning smile and affinity with the audience saw her through, what could have been a potentially nasty incident, to win first place. Well done lass.

Cosmetic surgeons all over the U.S.A are mourning the passing of the comedienne and chat show host Joan Rivers, one of the greatest acerbic and self deprecating entertainers ever to tread the boards, who has died in New York at the age of ‘fifty seven‘.

Tony Blair, after recently being announced as philanthropist of the decade, has pledged to give away his millions as a gesture of contrition. Cherie is said to be ecstatic, and can’t wait to get her hands on his money.

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